Red Violin

 Do not despair, Victoria.

This is the last page of our correspondence.

I'm only writing to let you know of my plans for suicide, by poison or drowning, I have yet to decide.

All my estate I'm leaving to you.

I have some personal debts that I intend to honor but everything else will be yours to dispose of.

Do with it what you will.

It matters little to me.

Regretfully yours, Frederick.'

Suicidal Note from Lord Frederick Pope 

(Violin Rouge 1998)

My ego

I had previously been publishing all this online (my ego!). But now I’m back to the privacy of myself. 

I think it is my duty to inform you that since I was born I have had difficulty relating to other people, mainly because of my eccentricities and behavior, for this reason I have not managed to have the opportunity to meet a single true friend in my life.

I studied in the Tilatá school, behind the western mountains, but for some reason I could not relate to people there. Tired and desperate a change of school came into my life a bit over three years ago.

The change brought both good and hard truths. I first realized that my behavior and way of life, it’s indeed very strange for my peers. But not everything is bad I was able to relate with some other freaks and even identify them as my real friends (for a while)... But life takes hard hits on me and I could not dodge all my misfortune. They turned against me for some undisclosed reason, from one day to another. To the point of having me become my now sworn enemies or taking disgust of my mere presence. Fortunately though I fell back on my feet and managed one of them continues to be a regular acquaintance.

It turns out also, I have a terrible memory, and before I start writing always put the keywords on the topics I want to discuss so avoid that something escapes me. But in time these words lose their meaning as I delve into my writing...  you might occasionally find random words scribble about. I hope you understand. 

I did not have to turn to any hidden powers against Obsidian. Thing I considered after our last encounter, so my karma is rather safe. Obsidian apologized, and I did not offend him further. Peace seems to work, with time, patience and endurance, but it works.

I quit going to IT and Programming courses, I think its best, it might mean I will not do anything with my life, no traveling abroad not anything... but for now I am content to find what is it, it makes me happy.... Yeah right? That's big lie, I feel like I am a failure and with luck I'll make it is a waiter someday. I fight with Valdes; he is sadistic and cruel, besides hates me because I am not very smart. We visited the girls at the Christ King, and surprisingly it was very ... hot? I flirted with a girl just as we came in... But my introversion not allowed me to go much further as to actually changing email addresses... plus people around me where weighing me down, so I ended up feeling like a loser, an imbecile. This day will bring me nightmares, I just want to meet girls and fuck, and then I want to meet someone special.

(22 days late)

I talk to God but the sky is empty

I am vertical
But I would rather be horizontal.
I am not a tree with my root in the soil
Sucking up minerals and motherly love
So that each March I may gleam into leaf,
Nor am I the beauty of a garden bed
Attracting my share of Ahs and spectacularly painted,
Unknowing I must soon unpetal.
Compared with me, a tree is immortal
And a flower-head not tall, but more startling,
And I want the one's longevity and the other's daring.
Tonight, in the infinitesimal light of the stars,
The trees and the flowers have been strewing their cool odors.
I walk among them, but none of them are noticing.
Sometimes I think that when I am sleeping
I must most perfectly resemble them --
Thoughts gone dim.
It is more natural to me, lying down.
Then the sky and I are in open conversation,
And I shall be useful when I lie down finally:
Then the trees may touch me for once, and the flowers have time for me.

Sylvia Plath committed suicide by carbon monoxide poisoning and was found with her head in the oven, having sealed the rooms between her and her sleeping children with tape, towels and cloths. She was 30 years old. 

And yet everything remained to be done and nothing had been completed.

 

He had always been driven by his true and steadfast purposes. For forty years his mission was his life and his life was his mission. And yet everything remained to be done and nothing had been completed.

 -  from The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter by Carson by Carson McCullers

I lost myself

I lost myself, and I don't know who I am again, how is it possible so recently I was so sure of being Xag...

 I doubt it now, not completely, but it is strange... I don’t know what it is. What is it I'm supposed to be? What I should do? Something simply got lost.

As usual Obsidian is angry with me, and keeps calling me "faggot" (which no longer bothers me as much, or so I think) A horrible feeling came back, I remember when I wasn’t Tilatá. I woke up feeling like wanting to die and just fuck everything to hell. It's a horrible feeling is just pure and absolute sadness and fatigue combined into a single feeling of ending the world, no one can have a good day after waking up that way. Awaking with a thought like "Please god help me!" Is pretty strange, I had not talked to Him in a while, as if I had needed for a very long time. I feel so helpless and just know that something is missing... just not sure what…

(6 days late)

The idea of ​​suicide

The idea of ​​suicide has come back to mind, fortunately was defeated with the idea of ​​escape. I think it all started with The Lord of the Rings, when I read these stories I am can't help feeling unhappy with my life.

I 'm being decadent, smoking a cigarette in a corner at the table. I hate everything I am, what I think, what I like. I'm acting like a drunk depressed middle aged man when I have no reason to be, and could leave the room and watch a movie with my mom ... but I don’t feel like it, I just want to relax and clear my mind(who would say I'm on vacation) what is happening to me? For now I just want to practice my typewriting, it’s a bit slow and I need to improve it... maybe if I keep practicing…

I needed to mourn and I'm happy to do it now

I needed to mourn and I'm happy to do it now. I just feel I could do so much if I had him next to me, my best friend. I feel it could all be so easy and so simple, I could improve many things. I need you...

I’ve been talking to Xag, why the hell? I keep treating him... me… as another person, people say you should always be your best friend, but I think I'm separating the Xag side of me to become my best friend ... I want to be him, but he knows too much ... I asked him to cry with me, crying for being alone with not best friend, but he only responded with phrases like "you know you'll have it.”.

Why is he separating from me? He must have a weakness ... I see his eyes are watery, he hurts for me, cries for me....

Ok this is crazy talk... I see a person sit there and mourn and I desperately want to be him. I just want that. I hate my life ... I’d better go to sleep…

(4 days late)

We belong to infinity.

 “The extraterrestrials call us; we belong to infinity.  - WKTS 88.”

Was the message found in a coat pocket of one of the two men that decided to die decapitated by resting their heads on a Train Track, near Barcelona. One 47, the other 26.

But I'm not broken, in my dream I win

In here I'm nothing, a Cosmic Castaway

But I'm not broken, in my dream I win

And I take over, coz I'm no loser

And I'm in and you're not, bad dreams don't stop

But I'm all screwed up, a Cosmic Castaway,

And I want but have not

Bad dreams, lust thoughts

In here with no pain, you hurt me again

And I want but have none

I should beat the alien

But here I'm no one, a Cosmic Castaway

I miss my friends, if they ever were, while I walk in the street or the mall whenever I see a couple or group of friends having fun... I hurt so badly.  I think  that was my last chance to get friends, it was so stupid I began my friendship with them with a lie, I think maybe Minos, Rhadamanthys and I could have been the best of friends and maybe they were the only ones with whom I could have been capable of friendship... 

Rhadamanthys I do not see often, he has not talked to me in more than a year, Minos, has kept talking to me, but I dislike him, as much as I can dislike someone. Sometimes I think it would be interesting to change schools to get out of this mess that has been my life, I accept that this school has given me so much... beauty and ugliness, and I appreciate it, but it is not possible to fix things there.

I am really scared. Some days ago how super confident I was that I was prepared to flee home to live some kind of adventure. But I couldn’t, it disappoints me, I disappoint myself again and again... I keep taking things from myself. Like if I somehow was cursed to make myself feel bad...

What is frustrating and pathetic is me dreaming to escape and do something exciting, to find something new to discover, some sort of mystery and save the world.

If anything I am victim of my own boredom, I yearn so much to do something exciting with my life, but when I look at it... I only find disappointment.

I hate part of who I am, but I am not sure which part I hate. 

That I tell lies? My disgusting physical body? My twisted mind?

Put it simply something is missing, not sure what but it’s a catalyst, a motivator.

There is nothing now that moves me to be better or to endure the life I got. I feel so many things right now, none of them good... so I’ll continue to ramble and get thoughts out of me head as they pop in...

I seem to be unable to get rid of Xag... rounding my head, he/I even visited me last night ... I was one of those trances between being asleep and awake, and suddenly appeared a perfect scene, everything was completely white and there was nothing else, I'm on the side of the room and he/I was standing just in front of me wearing only a single pair white shorts that went down to his knees, He/I told me so many things all so encouraging and all so good to hear, so perfect ... Xag ...

- "There is nothing to change! - I said - "you already are me, just let me out" -

Unfortunately I/he omitted the details as to how, but if I do I said that means to leave this life. All this must sound crazy, and part of me hopes it is. It’s always easier to commit suicide if you are insane right?

Xag is now my only inspiration, I keep thinking on being him, to experience this wonderful world that awaits me. I keep thinking about my life and how would be like as Xag and everything, including plot details connecting history milestones, moments and characters so that it all make sense.

My best friend was there too, just being perfect, but also somewhat out of place, but there nevertheless, he told me at some point (it was a quite lengthy conversation) we were going to find each other for sure, but if it was in this life or the other, it depended on many things.

What I want most in the world is a best friend, someone to accept me as I am, and someone I understand that shares my taste in things... (I think this has already been written before)

I only remember him standing by my bed and holding my hand before I finally fell asleep. It was really beautiful. True, it was a rare night the sheets became a mess and the bedpost broke as by some freak force of nature. My mom claims I woke up in the middle of the night, sleepwalking and told her I had found the key to DC comics. I have no memories of this, but she swears that I did. 

Speaking of which, a lot of things happened at New Horizons (sounds like mental health institute or rehab center) and some have been rather disturbing, the one freaking me out most is that there is a  boy around 11 years old taking the same classes as me and knows so much more than me! It makes me feel really bad ... then I had to have a little talk with the idiot who runs the center, he talked to me about taking some lame macromedia courses and take the test so I can build a CIW track, and although for some reason that sounds smarter than in the way he actually said it, the truth is that studying anything to do with computers seems like a slow path towards suicide, I am more of a philosopher, a humanitarian and an artist, not an engineer, much less a merchant, I see web design from an artistic viewpoint, I see it as a means of expression rather than as means of making money. 

I do not want to commit to something so serious, the guy is asking for loyalty and wants to send me to the States... it bothers me that this man boasts and claims he is very picky about the people around him, and how he just lets smart people at his side, and the truth I'm not sure to be an intelligent person at all if it means being around him. Also, what if I decide to be a lawyer or be in creative advertising? Or maybe an actor (todays horoscope claims that job will suit me like a glove)? Maybe a singer or an artist, or a dreamer (now that should be a career) 

My mom keeps saying I'm very antisocial, not telling me... just saying it out loud, to the walls... like stating a known fact, as if it was raining and trying to make out of it a topic of conversation. Maybe it is true, but what I can't get out of my head is what she said about me not being able of loving anyone or not accepting I could be loved by someone. Of course I'm afraid that's true, I know I do not have a very high self-esteem, but I'm sure I can love... not just love, but love in a way never seen before. Xag love. I love Xag; I know that... but am not Xag? So why the lack of self-esteem?

(5 days late)

Putting it simple

Putting it simple; the world has disappointed me. I've disappointed myself, I hate what I think, what I am, my hands hurt sometimes ... I keep thinking in the life of Xag, AKA, my death, I need Xag, I need him like I’ve never needed anyone else, but cannot find him, I'm sure he also needs me, how pathetic, how many people get up every morning thinking on how your life will be when they finally die... I find comfort in imagining friends I WILL have then, a life I WILL live afterwards... but not something I already have.

... My head is full of horrible thoughts, of humiliation, of myself, of death... I can’t stop thinking about death, especially in the death of my father, I don’t mean to be mean, but if it really happened I wonder if it would cost me too much effort to cry.

I want my life to be special! I want to be a special person! Not to be this horrible thing that I am now ... I hope something works out.

I hate they cut my vacations two weeks short, my dad insists that I should study computers in the evenings, Makes me so mad!!

This show that is my life is sad and pathetic; if there’s a scriptwriter I think he should kill someone or have me change schools again. But apparently neither will happen...

Is it possible to find a guide to happiness? Will I ever have the courage to escape and do something interesting?  Find my best friend? Can I stop lying? Or will I be ameinian? actually I have the answer to the last question, is that I am not ameinian.... according to some online test I'm only 27% ameinian (a ameinian person has on average 39%), and that’s kind of a disappointment .... It does not lift the little self-esteem I got one bit...

I do not want to be this horrible thing I am now, come on, how many people like pulling their underwear up... my hands hurt sometimes ... that's pathetic, I really want to get it out of my head it but I do not know how. I decided to leave Obsidian in peace and not bully him anymore... then hope it works.... Will I stop liking the humiliation? ... Though actually it should be called W.S.CR.K.M.S.W.P.UP. (Wedgies, Swirlies, Clothes Ripping, Kegging, Melvins, Slime, Water, Pieing and Underwear Pouring) I promise myself not to do any of these to anyone who does not like it.

Now that I hate part of whom I am; what other parts do I hate? I hate that I tell lies, that my physical body is disgusting, and that I have a twisted mind who enjoys the humiliation of other underage boys? Could I get that out my head if I delete all those humiliating things I have on my PC?

I know the answer to most if not all of these... I'll have to learn to "Stop waiting for the solutions in other people, the only solution is you. If you are not, then there is no solution"

(7 days late)

Seipan

On a June much like this one..

During world war II, Saito and his men were doing all they could to hold the mountains of Saipan from the Americans, but Emperor Hirohito sent out an imperial order commanding the Japanese civilians of Saipan to commit suicide, promising that any who followed the order would be given an equal spiritual status in the afterlife as the soldiers who died fighting. 

As the fighting on Saipan continued, Japanese citizens headed to the Northern tip of the island, chose two specific areas, known today as Banzai Cliff and Suicide Cliff, and jumped to their deaths. The majority of the suicides happened in the last four days of fighting, between July 8th and July 12th. 

By the end of the fighting, 24,000 Japanese soldiers were dead, 5,000 by their own hands, including General Saito, who was found dead in a cave alongside Vice-Admiral Chuichi Nagumo, the naval commander who lead the Japanese carriers that attacked Pearl harbor. Even worse, 22,000 of the 25,000 Japanese civilians were dead as well, almost all of them had taken their own lives.

http://www.the13thfloor.tv/

Today I skipped school; I had to stay with my sister, who is a little bit sick,

Yesterday we had spiritual retirement with guys from school...and it was a waste of time, we did nothing special and I spend thinking about How Ivan and Marin are so fucking immature, Aiacos for some reason spent the day criticizing me and being unsupportive , specially I was fighting with Obsidian...

That little pain in the neck, "humiliation", is driving me insane. I have tried everything to get it out of my head, but I cannot. Every time I see or touch Obsidian’s underwear, I can’t help but pulling them up, I think if someone liked to do things to me, as much as I enjoy doing things to Obsidian I may learn my lesson and stop liking it anymore. How I find that person? Maybe if I let Obsidian do away with me once and for all ... no, I always end up cowering out when I’m about to surrender to him ...

Last night I had a dream so cool and so romantic for some reason I was in Japan and somehow Í was in a presentation at a basketball court, the case being that there was mix-up or something and I ended up being the one who had to talk to the entire crowd. I had to put on a kimono and everything...bottom line, I was scared because I did not know what I had to say, but fortunately, I had an this lovely Japanese girl that whispered to me ear all I had to say: - I 'm the goddess, I'm the bottle, I'm your wish - I said aloud repeating her words. Then I went home and talked to her, it was love at first sight and so special, then we said goodbye, and I knew she was a dream, I decided  I would not let her go and just disappear, so the called to her from the balcony and asked her email address .. . Then I woke up.

It was perhaps the fastest you could fall absolutely in love with anyone, and we will probably only have that dream. Although as I woke up I had this thought in my head "fate and luck we will have us meet again" ... maybe tonight or at the least expected moment of my life.

I spent all day reading about the Justice League animated series, it looks so cool, I can’t wait watch it!

(6 days late)

As for the humiliation…

As for the humiliation matter (which I cannot stop thinking about) I Know I do not want to have this unhealthy obsession... not unhealthy to me really all it does is hurt the idiot of Obsidian, I think if perhaps I managed to get him to like to humiliate me instead I would get it finally out of my system, but I have a real fear I'll enjoy it even more. 

Then there is Aiacos, Who is now he is hanging with me and to whom I'm sure I’m just a fill in for Minos who’s back with his beloved gang. I can’t help but regret everything that happened, I should have greeted them that day, maybe if I had I would have saved our group ... sometimes I cannot help it and I cry at night.

(4 days late)