I’ve been cutting since school…

Aw fuck… well… I’ve been cutting since school… only 3 people have noticed that I knew of. Aiacos, my English teacher… and today, my mom. Of all people… she was the only one that couldn’t ever know… 

“Did you subconsciously let your guard down to ask for help from the one person that will not give up on you?” 

I can’t relate to the beautiful… “An old ugly virgin”… there… that’s what should lie in my grave… it would sum up my existence… won’t it? Won’t it?

 NOW you don’t answer!!!… You…. you double faced bastard… you said we were all the same!!!… All created at your own perfect image… all to be loved equally… All but the freaks… All… but ME…

(1 day late)

On the contrary, it is impossible to justify his living

 There are always reasons for murdering a man," he explains. "On the contrary, it is impossible to justify his living"

- The Fall. Camus

Waiting… alone… in the dark.

Take a deep breath… its dark… its cold… I can see his breath in every exhale… The prince is light to me. Not the only light, I refuse to let him be my only light. But it’s a light to me none the less… he is faint, but so beautiful… but faint nonetheless… I’m hypnotized by it. I’m constantly waiting for it to shine… and waiting is exhausting. 

I comb my hair, I shower, and I pick my clothes carefully… I want to wow him so much… sometimes I think I succeed… until… well… he keeps me away from his life… 

If I ever read this… please, remember you were not that desperate or sad, or dramatic, you were sound of mind, you were being whole, and you were just looking at the world around you and writing what you saw… 

I got a half liter of pesticide poison seating in the kitchen... screaming “drink me”. I just have to figure out what kind of poison it is really, so I know the lethal dose -surviving with no esophagus does not sound appealing at all- 

I just don’t know who to ask, without seeming suspicious… mmm… ill figure it out. It’s just weird, because… it’s a long weekend, so I’ll have the time to do it. Everything has come together to just do it… it’s so easy…. of course it makes me wonder… 

The Suicide of Dorothy Hale

 

Dorothy was known for her incredible beauty and charm. In 1927, she married a painter by the name of Gardiner Hale. She only starred in two films in her entire life, but because of her husband, was friends with many in high society. On October 21st, 1938, Dorothy killed herself by jumping out of a sixteen story building. Later on, the Mexican artist Frida Kahlo made a famous painting of Dorothy known as "The Suicide of Dorothy Hale."

“Are you seeing the future now, or giving in to nothingness?” =

“Are you seeing the future now, or giving in to nothingness?”

 Life is unfair… the world is a cruel place… and love is dumb, blind, deaf and mute. 

How… just how is anyone claiming they are happy? Isn’t it just snobbish of them? It is not fair. 

(2 days late)

We tend to search a lot for meaning

We tend to search a lot for meaning. making sure everything we do makes sense in one way or another…. and the clue word is sense… sense because we have to know we are going somewhere, not just going in circles. My ethics teacher claims to possess de knowledge of the sense of life… isn’t it strange that “sense” can be felt? I feel like that something makes sense or that it doesn’t… 

It’s not a completely logical process, especially when someone explains their emotions things either make sense or they don’t… decisions in life wither make sense or they don’t… relationships either make sense or they don’t. We search for meaning, we are actually looking for sense… the real question every couple should ask themselves is… do we make sense? 

Now you could say: hey! Love doesn’t make sense! Its love!

Bullshit… 

I don’t believe in love that way… love for it to be love has to build, that means that there is no contradiction in within, contradictions destroy.

(2 days late)

I feel like I’m a stained crystal boy…

I feel like I’m a stained crystal boy…. a relic on someone’s attic, stained by time… I feel you can see right through me and that you can let me fall and break me in such an easy way… I feel like I could be so valuable and then I look at me and see something so cheap… I feel so great because it seems like you see something of value in what used to be junk… like that comic book you talked about last night, yellowed with time, ruined by mice … if anyone is going to reject my hugs I rather have it be you than anyone else…

 Ana and my sanity tell me I shouldn’t ever ask for kiss a hug, a wedgie, a shower or anything ever again… I should never ask you out again… I should play hard to get. 

 I don’t lie anymore… I’m so surprised how brutally honest I come out sometimes, to the prince specially… I don’t know, how can I look at him in the eyes and say the things I say… sometimes I’m even surprised how bad a liar I am now… and I was brilliant at it…

Why are you looking at the bullet?

"Why are you looking at the bullet?

Why? ... If you were thinking of lodged a bullet in your head, wouldn't you want a good look at it before loading the gun?

to good look at what?

As it has to walk through my skull, I want to know it well beforehand."

- Karamazov Brothers

Dear diary…

Dear diary… 

Tonight I had another great date with the prince… he is just great… what can I say... he is like, so beautifully flawed… he shared with me, like I’m sure he shares with others, I was just so glad to be included. He has of course more experience than I do… I feel 13 again… I said horrible things… I said beautiful things… he spoke… pretty lies, real truths… I took advantage and stared at his boxers while he checked the pc on my room… I was like… oh my god, is this hot ass is in MY room?! …so unsexy for someone so beautiful…. we didn’t have sex, we didn’t kiss, we didn’t even held hands… we just hugged… and again I thought it had been a good hug… we just talked and that was great… he went through my things... looking for something interesting… I think I disappointed him… my lameness… however I did felt sort of… innocent… no, that’s not the word…

I felt inexperienced… in a good way... like maybe he could show me stuff… -emotionally stuff I mean (you dirty minded people) … well maybe a little bit of physically stuff too. -

God he is so loveable… two dates… and I feel I could fall in love with him… it’s like… god I come out so desperate… things scare me… Daniel… this guy he knows… seems like he has really moved him forward, that he helps him do stuff he would never do with me… I still don’t know how on earth I’m good for him… I said the word wedgie, more than it was appropriate…

Will I ever be his prince? He held me in his arms… it was so sincere... or so it felt…

Then… I asked him for a hug goodbye… he refused… and there, right there, I was with my worst date ever again… right now I don’t think we will ever kiss, or hold hands or anything… maybe we are just going to be good friends…

I’m 13 again am I 13 for good?

I’m 13 again am I 13 for good?

I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful 

So unloved for someone so fine 

I can feel so boring for someone so interesting 

So ignorant for someone of sound mind

I was going to say today I couldn’t ever love him if I didn’t love myself… I was going to break up with him, because of irreconcilable differences… he liked me… but I didn’t like myself… I felt like I had to say good bye because I feared we were just going to get bored of each other… and that was the problem really:  fear;   I was completely and utterly afraid of him… of us… 

Why was I so scared? He had complete access to my dirty laundry and he liked it… but he hasn’t given me any access to his… why? What was the sick game we were entering? And if he saw the worse of me and liked it… today I tried to flirt with him… he hated it; I stopped… he then asked what I hated about myself…. I answered my body… which to what he had a moderate polite reply… and all I could think was… god I’ve had more passionate replies from YouTube freaks!

Maybe I am not much into self-loathing and more of a diva…

Maybe I put this entire thing out on line, because I deep down know… even my dirty laundry s worth for the world to see? 

Nonsense, I write because I have to… the same way I breathe, I have to write… and I publish it online, because I need to… because I need help… because I need to connect to the world in some way… because I know I can’t bottle this inside without hurting the people I care about…. I need to blow off some steam, so I can smile every morning, wear my masks calmly… I need to say all of this now because tomorrow I have to see the prince and I want him to see someone that’s not case of charity… but someone he can learn from… if he wants to… god I don’t know… he says so little about himself if I’m not asking…

(3 days late)

Take a deep breath…

Take a deep breath… I said I had never been satisfied about anything with my life… well I’m just happy I met the prince… it was great… he showed me that there’s like people worth living for… that there are in fact people hat make the world a special place by just being in it… 

How often you come across people that make you feel better than what you think you are? How many people come along and make you feel you might be remotely valuable to someone? 

… he has been offline for 3 days now… today (this is going to be so embarrassing to say) I repeated his voice mail message on my cellphone , over and over till the battery died… every time I listened to it, its meaning varied… was he satisfied? Tired? Was he sad? Was he disappointed? Was he fed up? why did he call?.. Did feel he had to do it? did he wanted to? Was that simple calling a way of saying goodbye? I keep replaying our date on my head… sometimes I think it went great… sometimes I think it had to be the worst thing for him ever…when I judge it by my actions, when I dated Daniel (the really bad two dates) I lied a lot to Daniel to try to make him feel comfortable… I’m afraid he did the same thing to me, I said awful things… he said the most wonderful… I just was so focused trying to hide the cuts on my wrists while we ate… now I have the urge to cut more. I wouldn’t blame him; maybe I was his bad date… He did say he was a detached person.

I don’t dare try calling him on his cellphone … I don’t even know if it is his… I’m not that desperate… mmmm… ok maybe I am a little… probably, the biggest act of self-sabotage is this… writing this, because I know he’ll read it (hiya!!^^) … but all I think of is him… and I don’t know if that’s good or bad… but I just need to let it out somewhere… here… in the screaming room…

 I just hoped through the day as a voting juror he would show up... for some reason… it was… so… psychotic… so pathetic…. I’m so damaged and despaired… I try to keep myself from just calling him and telling him all those things… damn phone phobia!

I never thought I could be like this, thinking about someone for such long periods of time… I just like… I want to be with him…. god

I don’t even know him… I spoke to him once, this is sick… this is… self-sabotage… I’m tired of sabotaging myself; I’m my worst enemy… I don’t know if I want to be with him or be him… or maybe a bit of both… I am just so  incredibly happy I actually met him… even if it was just to see him once… and also I’m in so much pain now after (the good kind)… I feel so alive… all thanks to him… to him… I have to visit some historic places and museum here in Bogotá… I mailed him asking him to come… if he doesn’t… well… I can always ask Ana to come, I really wish he does… but again, I’m too scared to just call … me and my damn phone phobia…

Dream Damn It, Dream!!

Not just try to dream... don’t attempt to dream... just dream...

How do you build dreams? I’ve done this before... I just need... inspiration...

What’s a dream really? Idealization of a future that’s not going to come? 

No… 

Dreams are a force of life, its potential of free will, it’s how we can make choices... they do not determine our choices, dreams fuel them...

Let’s start with an easier exercise... what were my dreams?

I wanted to have magical powers when I turned 16 

I wanted to have a Gameboy and play all Pokémon games...

I wanted to own the 1984 hall of justice from Kenner

I wanted to study abroad

I wanted to get some time off studying

I wanted to write my book

I wanted to finish my book

I wanted to have friends at least two

I wanted to collect the JLU/SuperPowers action figures

I wanted to go backpacking to Europe

I’m crying over this... which is so strange because I haven’t really written much... I just wanted to be so much better to what I am now...

And all of these dreams I never accomplished... and they should have been accomplished by now... because honestly... 

I just don’t see any of it... I don’t want to get older... every time I think that far ahead for real, there are the words "he committed suicide 5 or 10 year ago¨