A voice that makes sense

A voice that makes sense

"There is really no doubt you are a very sick person. And if this diary has been online so long and been read as much as you claim and there are still no changes, it is very clear that either no one really cares about you or that you are indeed beyond any kind of help. Suicide is your best option, it really doesn’t sound your life is worth living at all. I live near you, I will be glad to be of assistance. Stop torturing yourself with this diary and most importantly stop torturing people online who deceived by your videos and other works come into this depressive world of yours. I’m not blaming you, it’s not your fault, you are just very sick. Please stop, and if you are not able to do it by yourself, let me help you end it. For your own sake and for everyone else’s."

(3 days late)

I looked at notes from 13 year old me

I looked at notes from 13 year old me. He seems to have concluded that I am just afraid to be hurt, too afraid perhaps… so afraid actually I rather keep hurting myself over and over and over again… That’s why I keep people apart, why I can only say “I love you” to people who are thousands of miles away. Why I say all the things I have to say to computer screen and not to my family, friends, sister, teachers, or anyone who’s actually in my life. 

Yesterday, I was going to definitely end things with Joshua, he knew it and then out of nowhere… I just told him I loved him. I’m insane, completely acting at random, not being coherent with my mind… perhaps that’s love, and not being coherent… so I just said it... I don’t think I had ever said this to a guy… anyway, after I said it… I was still going to get done with him... I said good bye… and I was going to block him… and I just started at his nickname on msn… my mouse over it… it must have been like 15 minutes… and I couldn’t make up my mind.. And then he talked to me… and he KNEW… he knew I was going to delete him… I don’t know if I’m that obvious or he just reads me to well… but he knew… and then I couldn’t block him at all.

 The refusal to accept love, the refusal to respond to it, that precisely is the meaning of Hell. Hell is not a place where God puts us; it’s a place where we put ourselves. The doors of Hell, insofar as they have locks, have locks on the inside. - Kallistos 

(4 days late)

The last few entries… are the worst side of me…

The last few entries… are the worst side of me… I hate me… I want to sit still forever and ever, and ever… I don’t want to write ever again… I don’t want to speak ever again… I don’t want to get dressed, or straighten my hair… or sit on a chair… why are chairs so uncomfortable? Why it is while I write all this things… everything in stupid journal… the world keeps revolving around me… I’m waiting for it, to stop and change… that why I did everything… I just genuinely thought, that if I wrote my life would change… it won’t… its stupid, like expecting ritual chants to cure diseases... or car horns to make traffic lights change faster… My pathetic excuse for existence it’s coming to an end… at least to you… I’m not genuinely mad… I’m just tired… just too tired to carry on… not tired like I’m tired eventually… I’m just giving up… for real… tonight, I’m going to give up, on myself. I know this is probably not in the secret, but it’s all I can do… I come from a family of quitters… from a country of losers, from an education of conformists… I’m going to do all I can really do… quit… take the notebook I use for my book out of my notebook and leave it home. Pack up my justice league toys… give away my comics to recycle… and stop using English… stop fighting to get fit in the system, stop trying get good grades with no effort… I will stop hurting people, which I try so hard to do, to get recognized by them… I will stop smiling… I will stop reading… needless to say… I will stop this, drawing, and or doing vids … all together … I don’t want to yell ever again… I don’t even want to ever listen to music ever again… I just quit… I quit, not defeated, just too tired, to sad, to dead inside to carry on… let’s just see… if this is something I will succeed at…

Today I told someone "I hate happy people"

Today I told someone "I hate happy people" 

And when I heard me say it I realized all I ever dreamt to be had died. I must accept. I am not capable of happiness… the same way I’m no more capable of building a rocket and going to the moon over the weekend, or finishing a book  started over 4 years ago…

I’m sick of seeing kids with smile, Emo kisses, or anyone who wear their hair blonde!! I just wish someone would just come here and kill me but of course, no one does, despite that people are murdered, raped massacred or just claimed missing on a daily basis in this rotten place. I have no clue, how over 4 years, people just stood by and managed to survive this waste of internet space, visual contamination, wordily vomit, syntaxical shit… 

I can’t take myself out the equation due cowardness… I can’t change myself, due incompetence, I can’t stop hurting myself due addiction… What is left, but to crumble into madness…? I need to make that jump… I need to let go… let coherence go… 

Feels easy for me I could start right now…but god, I would be so embarrassed with my sisters boyfriends being here…do people avoid becoming insane due embarrassment?  I feel I’m going to puke… I asked someone to own me…… I basically gave myself away as some ones slave, in that meaningless quest for some meaning… I don’t own myself… so let’s just see if someone else does… but the fucking bastard lives more than a thousand miles away.. Shit, my mom is going to read this… or someone she knows and they’ll tell them, and she will come here judgmental as always and demand explanations… when there are none.

I am fucked up.

I am human trash

I don’t love anyone… but my sisters cat… who in return  hates me… and I hated that animal too… but now it’s the only thing, I can say I love…

I’m tempted to repeat the teen cliché "no one understands me" but fuck it… I’m too old to use it… god I feel too old to use it… This is what I’ve been hiding, that I really don’t care for myself… or anyone else for that matter… I hate myself, and therefore I hate everything and everyone, I right now wouldn’t mind finding the worlds reset button and push it even n if it meant game over to everyone in it…

What kind of lame metaphor is that one…?

Now I think about it, all it’s a fucking lame metaphor… this diary, this huge lie, I’ve been telling myself that I can be better... That I am better, when that’s not true… I am selfish, and apathetic… I just can’t act it, because I would be too embarrassed… 

When you find yourself locked onto an unpleasant train of thought, heading for the places in your past where the screaming is unbearable, remember there’s always madness. Madness is the emergency exit.

(1 day late)

Because I ......Want you Because I...... need you Where are you? I hate myself without

Because I ......Want you

Because I...... need you

Where are you?

I hate myself without you; I hate myself for waiting for you... especially now that I’m beyond any saving.

Do you enjoy watching me crawl while I wait my turn? How many are there before me? When will you get done with me?

...

I am broken

I am broken... sounds cliché, but I can’t fix myself, every time I try I just keep ruing it more and hurting myself... I can’t even seem to get rid of myself either... because there is one stupid tingle of hope that you will show up. I know you won’t.

I focus on my pain intentionally and intensely, because the truth is... if I think of anything else I just notice your absence... you are not here. How can I get over this if you are not there stretching your arm and take me out of the mud hole. How can I move on, without you to hold my hand along the way?

"I", "I", "I", almost all my sentences start with "I"... because you are not here for them to start with "YOU"...

How can you do this to me? How can you leave me here... to get wasted... to get ruined... to rot…

(2 day late)

Tribal Scars in technicolor

Kevin Carter

Hi time magazine, hi Pulitzer Prize 
tribal scars in technicolor 
"Bang Bang Club" AK 47 hour 

kevin Carter 

Hi time magazine, hi Pulitzer Prize 
vulture stalked white piped lie forever 
wasted your life in black and white 

kevin Carter 
kevin Carter 
kevin Carter 

kevin Carter 
kevin Carter 
kevin Carter
Kevin Carter

The elephant is so ugly 
he sleeps his head machetes his bed 
kevin Carter kaffir* lover forever 

Click click click click click… himself under 

kevin Carter 
kevin Carter 
Kevin Carter

I received another message today that said: "just BE happy"

I received another message today that said:  "just BE happy" yup, just like that… it is a bit like telling someone with cancer "just cure yourself", he tells me to go out to the world, and to just be happy... 

This is irritating for a number of reasons.

One, I have to constantly explain to him or whoever says it tome, how sucky my life is and the pathetic personality I have that gets in the way of everything that’s good and worthwhile in this world. 

Two, I’m afraid to try alone... and learn to be happy alone and stay alone forever...

I met Joshua... I’ve had a crave for this name since I went to England years ago. It was the name of one of my roommates, he was blonde and gorgeous, and I was never brave enough to talk to him... last time I saw him he was shirtless in the beach. Ten years later comes another Joshua ... Him I was brave enough to talk to, well he reached me first for some reason, but unlike the 1st he I will probably never actually meet.

I sometimes treat him, like I did Obsidian back in school, and I enjoy it the same way, he is also, like Elektra in some ways, when we get passionate discussing... I don’t remember being so passionate online with anyone else beside him and Elektra... 

He is also very different to anyone I’ve met in many ways... he speaks like the kind of person I always wanted to talk to, he actually speaks so beautifully, that I can’t seem to get myself together and talk back... and I can talk a lot, I study social communications for crying out loud...

He is however reckless when he speaks and acts, which I find at the same time repulsive and attractive... I can’t really seem to grasp he is so young or that I’m actually this old... talking to him makes me wonder what the fuck did I do in my teens? Where did they go?

But today I did something so stupid, there is this really hot, really smart, girl in my Ethics class... she talked to me!!! And I talked back... and we actually got along!!! Amazed I was, I stated trying to well... make myself interesting... and yes... I screwed up... I was going to say it was nightmare to be bi... but when I thought in my mind, the word bisexual sounded so... ugh pathetic... and I actually said I was ameinian!!! Now of course... Lost all chances of being with this cute, really hot smart girl (completely out of my league) and messed it up again by speaking of guys.... I just hate myself....

(13 days late)

Having a bad day, week, year, decade, or entire life?

Having a bad day, week, year, decade, or entire life?

The Layman's Guide to Suicide is the last self-help book you'll ever need!

 

Suicide by cop

 "To the officer who shot me.

Official.

This was a plan. I'm sorry to have involved you. I only needed it to die. Please remember that I did all this, you had no way of knowing.

 - Moshe Pergament. "

In 1997, a 19 year old used a fake gun to lure police into getting shot. Becouse cops shooting people is so certain you can count on them to assist on your suicide. 

https://www.nytimes.com/1997/11/16/nyregion/officers-k

All it takes is one bad date...

All it takes is one bad date... 

Unless you are me, then you need two.

Tonight I’m going to cry, not just yet, because I’m filled with anger first. And not the type of anger that makes you wants to yell and course everyone you know. I’m filled with type of anger that requires to be denounced, that feels me with energy to write this words. Today I saw the things I hate most about myself and about others. Insecurity, lack of character, lies, disrespect, lack of communication, ugliness, both physically and personality wise... I saw everything that wrong with me and my world.

I don’t want to see you again, ever, you hurt me, and you will die alone, I got myself vulnerable to you, and you, and you made me feel, embarrassed about who I was, about what I believe... and what’s worse, I let you do it to me twice.

You are faggot, and mean this in the very and most insulting way, and for that I hate you, because you made me feel bad about being who I am, you represent everything that wrong in the ameinian community... you are, a cliché! The worst kind, you make me kitsch, void, useless... I’m an idiot, and you proved me right. 

You shouted to a 10 year old girl! What kind of person does that? You had me 15 minutes dragging after you in search of cab... I hate myself, for being with you, I hate myself for even doubting if it was my fault you are so week... I’m angry, so angry, so disappointed, so filled with contempt... I hate you, not more than I hate myself...but I do... I’m so filled with... hate... I couldn’t help but laugh all the time at our situation, and I know it bothered you I didn’t say what I was laughing about... I was laughing about us, our pathetic situation, you not knowing the jerk you are, and me putting up with it, when I know I deserve better even if I die a virgin... which I am still... and I’m so proud about it, because losing it to you would have been too degrading, I would have had to killed you and shoot myself then.

(17 days late)

Woe, woe, woe...

 Woe, woe, woe... in a little while we shall all be dead. Therefore let us behave as though we were dead already.

- Raymond Chandler

There’s no reason to live, but there’s no reason to die, either.

“There’s no reason to live, but there’s no reason to die, either. The only way we can still show our contempt for life is to accept it. Life is not worth the bother of leaving it. Out of charity, one might spare a few individuals the trouble of living, but what about oneself? Despair, indifference, betrayal, fidelity, solitude, the family, freedom, weight, money, poverty, love, absence of love, syphilis, health, sleep, insomnia, desire, impotence, platitudes, art, honesty, dishonor, mediocrity, intelligence – nothing there to make a fuss about. We know only too well what those things are made of, no point in watching for them.”

“God is growing bitter, He envies man his mortality.”

— Jacques Rigaut