School-days, I believe, are the unhappiest in the whole span of human existence. They are full of dull, unintelligible tasks, new and unpleasant ordinances, brutal violations of common sense and common decency. It doesn't take a reasonably bright boy long to discover that most of what is rammed into him is nonsense, and that no one really cares very much whether he learns it or not.
H. L. Mencken
Why do I study? Why am I studying? Why am I wasting my time this way? It’s no secret I don’t enjoy school, in any way, I hate it in every way... I hate my closed-minded friends, gym class, the self-proclaimed know-it all teachers, the useless subjects (including the ones I chose), that without counting; waking up at 5:30 every day, the soft-core bullies, the choking, the lame humiliation, people in my bus, overpriced things at the copy shop, long lines at the cafeteria, kneeling down every time to open my locker, feeling so stupid... etc.
But now I think of something that does really bothers me of being in school, I simply CANT be ME; That is, the person that writes this, it’s another person than the one that goes to school or lives at home. I don’t know if I’m making sense, it’s like if when I sit and write over here, another person takes over... Never the less the person that writes here is the person I’m more comfortable with being. I like being the person that writes. Unfortunately it doesn’t exist anywhere else. The moment I speak to someone else, he disappears and runs to put all kinds of masks to show the person, everyone think they know. And there comes times where masks are so many and so heavy that I suffocate and I can’t breathe and is like if suddenly I had stopped controlling it, like if I had lend my body to someone. And now it seems everyone is living and I'm just watching and I could just break down and no one would notice or know why it is.
That’s why I can’t take it anymore, what recently happened at my diary was the top, having to close it down just because someone at school had found it… the fact of having to shut up because of my school, has been one of the most humiliating things in my life. I got totally silenced by the world that surrounded me, because of a stupid guy with a promise to make my life a living hell...
Sometimes... (Like all the time) I’d like to leave school. just stop feeling a moron and numb, stop hiding who I am, start doing something I really enjoy, cut all those fake friends and stupid jokes; no more sadistic comments, immature sayings, gum in my hair, laughs at my back and other nasty things I don’t want to remember. Maybe if I leave school leave school, I could keep on studying at home, at my own rhythm... no pressures, no more tests or homework; it will all depend on me.
Self-sufficiency, it would be the first mayor thing done by myself.
I just don’t know how to sit down again one hour in front of an exam without a clue of what I have to do, and watch how the time goes on, with my paper clear and my head in blank, waiting for someone who will miraculously see you in all your despair and help you. Or maybe just stop studying at all... I could live up by my talents or something... of course despite the fact I have none.
In school everything is just so unfair, tons and tons of homework. They say that that kind of work is to raise our academic levels and have better grades than the ones last year, but how can you raise our academic levels by pushing us to hard in one year without previous preparation, twice as work the ones had last year, less recuperation opportunities and an increased demand for quality in our homework (?). Besides there’s a lot of time for small petty humiliations, all you get there are insults and stupid questions, besides comments and orders from the hideous teachers.
Maybe I’m just not feeling right, maybe because after gym class "is" impossible to feel right. First you are all sweaty and dirty; from the entire pushups you miserably try to do on the ground because of being the last to get to the teacher, after running 3 times around the football field. But generally there is the subconscious bonus of seeing other cute and hot guys in the same state. Now that is a great thing for specially two cuties in my class. One is a tall blond guy, with a really great body, dirty blond hair, charismatic personality and what really makes it unique is that is very, very, very smart.
I remember that during my first year in that school I had a dream about him; we were in a peer together and I can’t remember why he jumped in the water fully clothed... and then I guess he took of his clothes off in the water leaving his boxers, and gave them to me, then I would throw them far away and he would swim to get it and put it on again... it was really hot and fun...
He, like most guys who have a great body at school, has an unconsciously method of showing it, so we, all the fat wimps feel more as losers than the rest most of time, the amazing ability of making the uniform look good on them, in a kind of sporty way, besides keeping always the shirt up in the most creative ways, so we all can see his fabulous abs, besides having the pants kind of pulled down so the underwear is always visible.
To say there are no hotties in my school would be a major lie, there are many, especially in 7th, 8th and 9th grade. Some with beautiful eyes, a cute face, or a great body... most of them I keep on watching all the time and I have to keep reminding myself not to stare much.
School is just a place to be unhappy, stupid laws, and absolute monarchy by teacher’s directives or soft-core bullies. It’s a place where people live with fear and confusion, mindless acts and memorizing useless and absurd stuff instead of learning.
I just don’t know what’s going on ... I had a problem with my head group teacher, (which happens to be my head teacher too :$ ) we started arguing about something really stupid until she came with the most stupid argument I’ve ever heard:
- You do it when I say it, it’s not your choice - she said already freaked out - why? - I asked reasonably - just because- she replied even more stupidly - and if you don’t like it you can leave! - - well thanks...- I said, and left the class room.
It all happened so fast I couldn’t swallow it... what?!? It’s not my choice?!? “Just because?!?” what kind of argument is that? What kind of answer is that for an almost 50 year’s old shrunken woman? I mean she obviously studied math because has terrible problems with self-esteem… I would I looked like her. Maybe she needs to follow orders and formulas so she doesn’t have to think about anything… and avoid the fact of her own existence. Why do I always think of what to say when is too late?
but after all I had a chance to say part of what I said, when she handed me the detention card where I am supposed to give my opinion on what I think, and I’m sure I told Delilah something she didn’t like, that’s why she went down to the principal and took me out of chemistry class to chat or I better say criticize and fend for herself.
What I wrote was something like this:
“Who are you to decide what is ok or not? Beside I think the teacher should learn to give a more strong argument than 'just because’, answers should be according to the age… and oh, by the way... it is always my choice."
But just as I came in the comments on school moral started, mental disorder or nonsense rebellion started, all kinds of judgments against me were heard in the place, but specially bothered me the one that said that I wasn’t reasonable with my words and thoughts. I tried to say what I thought and argument my position but words failed me I suppose... And I started to be at their side. I hate that so much! Beside it was two against one and that is cowardly. The principal treated me as a mental idiot that could not understand where I was standing on.
First they said I had insulted Delilah’s moral authority... is there any moral authority? Actually I don’t think there is, but if there should be one, that, it should be mine, the one I choose, not one someone has imposed upon me. Laws should not be imposed they should be proposed and accepted by consent. For me, my answer to Delilah’s comments might have not been what she wanted or expected, but surely was what I need it. If I had stayed quiet and obeyed would have meant to give up my rights and thoughts, to kneel down and just repent, was giving up any value to what I think or what I am.
My dilemma: "why study?" there could be an award such as "knowledge" (yeah right) or a diploma to work or get to collage. But there could be a menace too, like the fear to be a looser (my case) or to be afraid of rejection by the family or friends.
Why it is the guys at my school are so into soft-core bullying stupidly, yeah not into hard bullying just common nonsense bullying. Why are guys so stupid, it’s like having people emotionally and spiritually retarded, maybe I’m generalizing and I know it’s not fair? This reminds me of something a girl said "men have a huge space in the brain, between thinking and feeling, that’s why they can feel and think but not at the same time". It just sometimes seems men are not thinking anything at all... but.... that’s impossible.
I mean chase a ball for two hours... complain about it and plan strategies to do it better the next time. Just like hazing. In my school, it may be funny the first time, and maybe the second, but when you keep on doing it the same way and expecting a different reaction is just maniac. I wish they would just stop it or do it really hard, for a change.
Why it is that abandoning school is seen as such a bad thing or ridiculous. My head group once said something I considered very offensive. "You only exist to study". She obviously has no idea of what is going on my mind, and how much I need to believe that is not true. But anyway, don’t teachers get that they have no rights if we don’t have them, I mean we are the ones paying a miserable salary so they just speak their shit, and hold up their tongue when it comes to their thoughts or comments.
I am just so tired of feeling so stupid, I can’t defend an argument and it always seems I’m making the worst ridiculous thing, and no one understands me or gets me and I feel so dumb... maybe I’m just retarded, I don’t get things the way most people do, and that makes me stupid. Even the closest person to me in school keeps criticizing everything I do and say all the time, everyone thinks I am the most immature being ever, the dumb one with no logic or reason. A good-for-nothing, idiot boy, with absolutely no talent for anything. I’m so tired of people thinking I am stupid, I can see it in their faces and little dissimulated glances at me.
Sometimes I just hallucinate with someone who will come out from nowhere and make my life something new and special.
Maybe I should be a dumb slave of the system study a boring career, go to church and throw everything I believe to hell because anyway I’d be unhappy.
“Always expect the worse and you won’t be disappointed”
I don’t want to belong to that school anymore. It is funny how the emigrant effect caused by violence can be seen on my class room.
It only takes two idiots (like in real life) to stand on each side of the classroom and start kicking a ball really hard to each other, without caring (or on purpose) hitting anyone who is between them. People afraid of getting hit, start to silently move to one of the sides to be save or if you are stupid enough even take part on the game
“Stupidity does not know any limits” - - - /o/ - - - “there’s no worst thing than stupidity in action”
I heard a guy talking in school with his friend about this same problem; he didn’t want to continue with this, he was tired of school as I am. After saying that, one of his friends answered this: “I know how you feel my friend, believe me, everyone at school goes through that… and that same feeling is going to last for about two months and then there’ll be nothing else but resignation”.
(1 day late)
