Seipan

On a June much like this one..

During world war II, Saito and his men were doing all they could to hold the mountains of Saipan from the Americans, but Emperor Hirohito sent out an imperial order commanding the Japanese civilians of Saipan to commit suicide, promising that any who followed the order would be given an equal spiritual status in the afterlife as the soldiers who died fighting. 

As the fighting on Saipan continued, Japanese citizens headed to the Northern tip of the island, chose two specific areas, known today as Banzai Cliff and Suicide Cliff, and jumped to their deaths. The majority of the suicides happened in the last four days of fighting, between July 8th and July 12th. 

By the end of the fighting, 24,000 Japanese soldiers were dead, 5,000 by their own hands, including General Saito, who was found dead in a cave alongside Vice-Admiral Chuichi Nagumo, the naval commander who lead the Japanese carriers that attacked Pearl harbor. Even worse, 22,000 of the 25,000 Japanese civilians were dead as well, almost all of them had taken their own lives.

http://www.the13thfloor.tv/

Today I skipped school; I had to stay with my sister, who is a little bit sick,

Yesterday we had spiritual retirement with guys from school...and it was a waste of time, we did nothing special and I spend thinking about How Ivan and Marin are so fucking immature, Aiacos for some reason spent the day criticizing me and being unsupportive , specially I was fighting with Obsidian...

That little pain in the neck, "humiliation", is driving me insane. I have tried everything to get it out of my head, but I cannot. Every time I see or touch Obsidian’s underwear, I can’t help but pulling them up, I think if someone liked to do things to me, as much as I enjoy doing things to Obsidian I may learn my lesson and stop liking it anymore. How I find that person? Maybe if I let Obsidian do away with me once and for all ... no, I always end up cowering out when I’m about to surrender to him ...

Last night I had a dream so cool and so romantic for some reason I was in Japan and somehow Í was in a presentation at a basketball court, the case being that there was mix-up or something and I ended up being the one who had to talk to the entire crowd. I had to put on a kimono and everything...bottom line, I was scared because I did not know what I had to say, but fortunately, I had an this lovely Japanese girl that whispered to me ear all I had to say: - I 'm the goddess, I'm the bottle, I'm your wish - I said aloud repeating her words. Then I went home and talked to her, it was love at first sight and so special, then we said goodbye, and I knew she was a dream, I decided  I would not let her go and just disappear, so the called to her from the balcony and asked her email address .. . Then I woke up.

It was perhaps the fastest you could fall absolutely in love with anyone, and we will probably only have that dream. Although as I woke up I had this thought in my head "fate and luck we will have us meet again" ... maybe tonight or at the least expected moment of my life.

I spent all day reading about the Justice League animated series, it looks so cool, I can’t wait watch it!

(6 days late)

As for the humiliation…

As for the humiliation matter (which I cannot stop thinking about) I Know I do not want to have this unhealthy obsession... not unhealthy to me really all it does is hurt the idiot of Obsidian, I think if perhaps I managed to get him to like to humiliate me instead I would get it finally out of my system, but I have a real fear I'll enjoy it even more. 

Then there is Aiacos, Who is now he is hanging with me and to whom I'm sure I’m just a fill in for Minos who’s back with his beloved gang. I can’t help but regret everything that happened, I should have greeted them that day, maybe if I had I would have saved our group ... sometimes I cannot help it and I cry at night.

(4 days late)

What happened to the world...

What happened to the world to become the most boring place in the universe? And is not fault of the world itself, it’s all been sculpt by humans (muggles might be a better term) ... beings completely devoid of happiness and sense of adventure. 

I find everything is very confusing and depressing ... I always wanted a life that is not perfect but happy, and for some reason I am not happy with my life as it is and it's far from perfect. All i need is just a little routine, a bearable one... that is occasionally accompanied by surprises.

The house now looks like a pigsty, my sisters do not pick up after themselves and Mintaka Is too young to understand she has to. If I wanted to change something right now, would be to just move, anywhere, it doesn't have to be a model home, just somewhere where everything is just in its place.

Who am I kidding? I know that wouldn’t be enough to make me happy, I would have to change schools again, make friends and so on. I would have to change particularly my look and hobbies, maybe dye my hair black... maybe finally buy some cool glasses. I always wanted a raincoat. 

But what if my life never changes? And if my life is still a disappointment a year from now? I'm afraid to grow up, be no one, each time I see my future I see more and more frustration... Because I can’t get what I want, be who I want.

Football, porn, drinks and sex all day long, everyday... I got stuck with the freaks, the ugly ones who would play D&D and belong to Christian groups.

All I ever wanted was friends... not boyfriends, just people to hang around with, have fun things to do with... I had them once... I lost them. Minos and Rhadamanthys.... They are before this journal, just before.

When I came to my new school after Tilatá, a place where... well, I never fit in. I came from being trouble and a concern to everyone, to being... just some other kid. From being someone to look out for, to being... someone... Anyone. 

When I arrived to this new school by the cemetery, I circled the social groups, I had to play soccer for a couple of times, and I bounced off from group to group... I found a pretty interesting one, the comic and Evangelion freaks but they told me quiite blatantly: you don’t belong here, you belong with them:.

The ugly group, were the Pokémon rejects... the poke group. I think I just did what I was told. Somehow I connected with them... they were immature... oh so immature. They were boys doing boyish things... I looked at that with envy... They had met each other their whole lives and I was the newbie.

Me being always quiet and numb, I never connected with the entire group. Just with those who saw classes with me... Minos and Rhadamanthys. The two sidekicks... they were intimate friends... they would buy Gameboys together, they would go out every weekend together... Minos would wedgie and tease Rhadamanthys all the time. I wanted that. I wanted to belong in a relationship like that... but they already had one.

So, then someone else came along... Aiacos... he just all of the sudden became my friend, the nice chubby guy everyone want to hang around. Loved by all. He decided to be my friend. He wasn’t boyish acting like the rest... he was reserved.... he just pushed me around a lot... I lied to him, I lied to him so much... just about everything, and I acted like someone else... I faked a tragic past... and distorted future... I was trouble boy to him.

Meanwhile... I still tried to fit in with Rhadamanthys and Minos. I was falling for them so much, so fast... I wanted to be their friend. I lied my way through... at some point... I asked Rhadamanthys for a shirtless pic of himself...

Then... something weird happened... they started sending my sisters some stupid letters... my sisters wrote back... it was weird... I became the mail man.

At one point I got tired of reckless boyish mess... I didn’t belong there... I never would. I stopped hanging out with them... I left with Aiacos... to find our own spot... we had our tree... we actually called it that... our tree... where we would go every recess.

Then... one day... we fought... Aiacos and I...

And I was left alone. And I couldn’t go back to Minos and Rhadamanthys... I was left to walk the halls alone... and... Then... only then... Minos and Rhadamanthys said: hey! We are your friends!! Come with us! Gosh... I still remember them when they said it that first time... in front of the copy shop... I was someone’s friend.

We had some sleepovers, we had fun...

One night, we talked about guys... I said I liked some kid... they were all. NO way! You are so straight!

Diego invited us all to this day at his club, it was amazing, and we had fun... they had fun... I was too scared to take my shirt off and join them in the pool and the sauna... so I waited alone... for them part of the day... we talked... I can’t remember what we talked about... I just know we had such an amazing time talking.... Minos was a great talker... I loved talking with them.

I never wanted sex... I just wanted a friend... a friendship... a lifelong friendship...

But, by now... Minos and Rhadamanthys group hated me... I and Aiacos were stealing them away... and I hated them... but Minos and Rhadamanthys were clear... we’re not going to leave our friends... they never did... till the very last day... they were inseparable...

However... it did not end like this... we saw classes together... we remained friends to some point...Aiacos, Minos and Rhadamanthys... and then... I messed up...

One day I came clean to them... I said... hey... I lied... about England... and I said... something about Cumming that bothered me... (I can’t remember well the conversation) it was gym class... boys in the grass in our shorts... and I told them things... truths and lies... I cried... and they... they said they understood.

I remember walking to the locker later... they fully understood me!!! I was so thankful to god!!! I was in heaven... I felt loved; I felt part of something...

And then...

One day... I wrote something in class... something about them... in my notebook... on a piece of paper... my teacher saw it, a confiscated it...

The next day... they wouldn’t speak to me...

They never did again...

My teacher said I was better off without them... I was from that moment on, always a loner... I took refuge in my books and my writing...

Then... that rejection... became hate... they pushed me every time they walk passed beside me... they would throw pieces of paper at me in class... they would yell stuff... they became mean... they hated me, they truly hated me... I think they stole my mp3 player the last day of class... and to this day I still wish I was part of them... once or twice they used sweet words to get what they wanted from me... and then they would hurt me more altogether...

One day... Aiacos came back... I showed him my journal... and we remained cordial till the very end... he is still the only guy from school I talk to... probably my only friend...

Aiacos... never told me what happened... why did they stop talking to me... what was in that piece of paper... I don’t remember... he likes to torture me... saying he will never tell me... I, once in a while, would ask him... I’ll ask him next time I see him... how did I mess up?

I caught Minos and Rhadamanthys jacking off in class... I was so... angry... I told everyone about it... I was an inquisitor... and tried to bring them down... what came next... was a series of rejects... Obsidian ... Moncada... people I shared nothing in common with... there I became a lonely bastard with a journal and books... and comics... 

This diary starts there... after this story... of one pathetic guy... who lost his friends again…

(2 days late)

It was an interesting day

It was an interesting day.

For the first time I "smoked" weed in school, and do not know if it was bad or good, but I enjoyed the thrill, always imagined how it would be to do it there, and it happened, with some friends, by the soccer field, but I did not even smoke the whole thing.

So far the humiliation thingy seems like a very exciting thing, and I can't control it, every day I get Obsidian is to either wedgie himself and sometimes to even to trash me a bit. But of course I can't get him to enjoy it as I do. What do I have to do to get Obsidian to like being humiliated?... Yeah I know how demented it sounds.

(2 days late)

Well...

Well... long story short, today something expected happened but I was somewhat disappointed, I finally got ​​Obsidian to wedgie me, it wasn’t bad at all, and was quite exciting... however my feelings when I stepped down the bus and got home today were not nice, something I did not like... But I'm going to do something, which I'm sure I'll regret it, I'll tell Obsidiana to go for it and humiliate without restrains, more ice, water, he can play with matches, destroy my clothes... he will be able to do everything and leave me completely trashed.

(4 days late)

Who is that other part of my soul and where is it? Where to find it? Every time I see my "friends" I see them more and more different to me.  I know they are supposed to be different from me, It doesn’t make sense to have someone just like me as a best friend...  if it did then it would suffice to be alone. I know he or she must be different… but I crave for someone to agree with me on things that I find essential… I yearnfor someone sincere, friendly, somewhat forward with things, someone to push me to do things and someone I can push to do others, we must share pleasures, be a bit crazy, support me and not criticize me, both defend me and need my help ... it’s more difficult for me to see the difference between friendship and love than it is for other. Is it perhaps the same thing except it includes is a sick dependence on closer physical contact? I could never expect anyone to touch me. I’m too ugly for that.
I thought your best friend has always been there for you... But it’s been lifetime for me and mine does not show up. People I meet do not understand friendships as I do. They simply end up hating me, ignoring me or disappearing...
I know I am the problem. I am certainly mad, a person who is supposedly in search of better things, but that at any hardship finds refuge in an invented world, where everything is perfect, and you can forget about everything else. How much I’d like for that world to be real, and how much more I would like to forget it so I could concentrate in this life and make it better.
But I can’t it’s so nice to be there, my desmænok, my personal paradise for when I die. This idea gave birth to Xag. The person I am and the person I am not at the same time. An ideal me, as I want to be and what I am right now. Living the life I wish to live most, one full of adventures and friends. In the desmaenok, He has three very special friends, whom I now call Joshua , his best friend, Nikolas (his girlfriend) and another one. One I have not yet imagined
There, as cliched and childish as it sounds the world is where all things I've dreamed of are true. I'm a witch, a famous artist and performer, a fugitive from justice, an adventurer, a boy of 10 one day, 14 the day after and 12 the next, beautiful.
Why Xag? Who is Xag?
When I think about my happiness, my joy, my true sorrows, my ideals, my fantasies, my ultimate self, my power, my weakness, my love, my fears, my evolution… Xag is 'it'. Xag is who I really am, Xag I who I want to achieve. Xag is my reality, my past and my goal. Xag is my true name. Xag is the word that calls upon my true self. People use nicknames to protect their identities, they wish to be someone they are not… and that’s sad, but credible. Xag It’s a nickname for all to see that shows who I really am but nobody knows. Only people that know me call me Xag. Only people that have seen more that the awkward little fag that barely speaks and sits alone to read and write… know of Xag.
Xag is happy as he is sad. He is in balance; he is as satisfied as eager to learn, an adventurer and a great host. He smiles only when he feels like smiling, he cries only when he feels like crying. He is transparent, honest… a liar only when it benefits others. He is in love with life, with death, nothing is strange to him, and everything is jfun. He is so unlike me really, Xag is willing to make the ultimate sacrifice, stop being himself for others… give up his will for others to find who they really are, Xag is willing to make mistakes to show others who they really are. That’s why Xag… that’s why I, keep posting my most intimate thoughts and secrets online. I’m trying to give... When you call up on my name, my true name, you are calling this creature I so desperately want to be, I so insanely think I am, that so painfully I’ve been. Yes… I made a character out of myself. I had never put into words quiet like that… I made a movie out of my life an existence… but that’s not how the world I live on works… I know that. It hurts. God it hurts, in every level. Physically… it hurts, aesthetically, ethically, morally, scientifically, socially, humanly, spiritually, magically… its hurts in every way. I open my eyes and see, hear and feel that all my words, actions and emotions… just don’t fit, in this place, in this world… I was just never meant for this world…
Perhaps I have created him/me to get rid of all those things that mortify me, He does everything that I can't do, I can't run away from home… it would be very complicated...
I’ll never finish my course of witchcraft, I cannot reveal myself to anyone, and I can't rebel myself against anything…

(2 days late)

I have wanted to run away from home...

I have wanted to run away from home...  since in some ill-fated English class we had to read: “From the Mixed up files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler”

I want to leave home and get to know who I am, solve a puzzle that bothers me so much…

Am I magical or not?

I spend a lot of my free time planning my escape. Thinking about how I am going to survive, how I’m going to pay for my adventure, what I should take and other stuff. Sometimes I choose Alnitak to go with me; she has always been in my head when I think in brother-sister adventure.

I plan on getting a compass and a tunic besides other stuff. I dream of taking my Book of shadows and go windows shopping for all this stuff as I try and make up my mind as of where I am going.

(5 days late)

Digital Suicide

Por qué suicidiodigital
(Por: Pamies)

Porque todos nosotros somos suicidas en potencia
Porque la vida nos pone al borde del abismo
y es necesario tener valor para lanzarse
como un auténtico suicida
Porque el dolor existe
y hay que tener la osadía
de soltar el lastre
Porque no es fácil encontrar
la palabra exacta
que nos libere de nuestro yo moribundo
Porque es posible cambiar de piel
Porque queremos expresarnos
como la primera vez y estamos
capacitados para ello
Porque no dudamos ante la posibilidad
de pegarnos un tajo y empezar de nuevo

 http://www.suicidiodigital.com

Getting him to willingly kiss my shoes

Sorry, I have not written in so long, but I just could not find the time or the desire to do so, I had so  much to write about and now I only want to say that lately I've been getting my way with a lot of things, wedgies, melvins, ripping his shirt, get him almost naked and even getting him to willingly kiss my shoes. There is always this fear; scaring the hell out of me... it’s no laughing matter.

(25 days late)

Nocturne

Nocturne III by Silva (translated by Luis Zalamea) 

It was evening,
a night filled with perfumes, whispers, and the music of bird’ wings;
A night
when fantastic glowworms flickered in the nuptial, humid shadows,
at my side, ever so slowly, close to me, listless and silent
as if prey to premonition of the most stinging pain
that inflamed the deep secret of your fibers,
over the path filled with flowers that stretched across the plain,
you were walking;
and the full moon
in the sky, so infinite, so unfathomable, spread its light.
And your shadow,
lean and languid,
and my shadow,
by the moon’s rays silhouetted
on the path’s sorrowful gravel,
were united
and were one,
but one long and lonely shadow,
but one long and lonely shadow,
but one long and lonely shadow…
Tonight,
desolate; my soul
by your death so bitterly pained and anguished,
torn from you by time, distance and the grave
upon that infinite blackness
where our voice cannot be heard,
lone and mute,
on the path I kept on walking…
And dogs braying at the moon came to my ears,
at the pale face of the moon,
and the croaking of the frogs.
I felt cold; the same chill that in your chamber
numbed your precious cheeks, hands and brow
amidst the snow-white linens
of the funereal shroud.
It was frost out of the tomb, it was the ice of the dead,
and the chilliness  of the void…
And my shadow,
sketched out by the paleness of the moon,
walked alone
walked alone,
walked alone upon the prairie;
and your shadow, lean and graceful,
pure and languid,
as in that warm spring evening long ago,
as in that night filled with perfumes, whispers and the music of bird’ wings,
approached me and walked with mine,
approached me and walked with mine,
approached me and walked  mine… Oh embraced shadows!
Oh the shadows of the bodies mingling with the shadows of the souls!
Oh shadows that search each other in tear-filled and somber nights!

On the morning of 24 May 1896, a housemaid found Asunción Silva dead in his bed with a gun near his body; he had shot himself in the heart the night before. 

I think my whole life has been one long suicide note….

Haven’t all my actions, all my thoughts, all my beliefs been a testament to how I need to say good bye to this lie… 

I think I must start by the beginning… the first time I thought of suicide, I was nine years old… I hurt a girl in school… I held her arms so tightly… my fingernails sinking into her skin… I grasped with all my strength, I just wouldn’t let go… I think half a minute passed, it certainly felt like longer, I held her in pain, and she started to cry… I think somehow I enjoyed it… Finally I let go, and I ran to the boys’ room…

There, I saw the sink… and thought I could fill it up and drown myself… if I died, I would be the victim…

But I wasn’t brave enough… I was afraid if I survived what would my mother think about my wet clothes… so I got into a toilet cubicle… and locked myself in it… 

I eventually left, but I think my soul forever stayed there….

Finally I’ve done it.  It took me a bit more than a decade, but I did it, I killed myself… 

Now I stand here with undone homework, and exams coming up… and I’m writing what are going to be my last words… 

First.

 I’m not supposed to be here… I wasn’t supposed to go over 16… like my mom, I was sure I was supposed to die at a certain age…  I was going to die at 16… that or find out I was a witch…

Since then I’ve been planning this… I researched my best, learned all I could learn… portrayed dramatically all the signs on a suicidal teen… I became depressed, my notes went down, my sleeping times changed, and for goodness sake I was sleeping about 12 hours someday… I became addicted to my pc… I started slicing my wrists….

Nothing happened, not death, not help… anything…

Finally nothingness has taken over me… I can’t bear nothingness anymore…  I tried… the first time I was actually going to kill myself with I knife while in my bed… my mom in the next room, I made a list of things I had to do before I died…

1. Play Pokémon green in English… and find mew… I never found this rom.

2. Read the entire Harry potter saga

3. write my book” well… that didn’t turn out…  between making a career I hate and resting form my pathetic life, I never got to write an organized text… so I leave to this world more than a 1000 pages of nonsense… scraps, scenes, notes and plain junk of a story that  no one will ever hear complete… 

Second

I’m sorry… I’m sorry for all the pain I caused with all my actions including this final one… I’ve apologized in my mind so much; I can’t justify it any more… 

I’m just sorry I entered so many peoples life, I didn’t mean to… I never asked too… I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough, or brave enough, or smart enough… I’m sorry I didn’t ask for help, I’m sorry… I never finished what I set up to do... im sorry I was born in this miserable country… im sorry I never loved nor let anyone love me… im sorry I never kissed a girl in the mouth… im sorry I never got a best friend to hug… im sorry I wasted my time watching tv… im sorry I spend so much money on comics… 

I’m sorry. I told so many lies… I’m sorry I never answered those phone calls… I’m sorry; I cried all the time I was in England… I’m sorry I was fetishist and a pervert… I’m sorry I wasn’t blonde and perfect…  I’m sorry I was obsessed with beauty… I’m sorry I never loved myself…. I’m sorry; I never loved anyone else… I’m sorry I didn’t finish my book, I’m sorry didn’t draw all the things I wanted to draw… I’m sorry I never got caught in the rain, I’m sorry I never enjoyed a day in the beach… I’m sorry I never knew snow, I’m sorry; I never knew a broken bone… I’m sorry knowing all I’m sorry of I still took the easiest way

I’m terribly sorry; I never had a life outside my pc… I’m sorry I wasn’t a good brother, friend, student, classmate or son… I’m sorry I wasn’t born rich…. I’m sorry I had no born talent for anything… I’m sorry I feel sorry for things I shouldn’t feel sorry… and finally I’m sorry, I never got to actually say how sorry I was…

And third…

I commit suicide because I no longer fear death... In fact it’s been a long time since I did… 

I remember being in my bed afraid of going asleep because me might stop breathing in my dreams and I wouldn’t notice… Somehow that fear changed, and became a wish… and I no longer remember how many nights I wished I would stop breathing in my dreams…

I give up… on me, I give on my strength and will… I give up, no one is to blame for my death (except for all, the awful, mediocre shitty teachers I had my whole life… so many, P.E. teachers, pc teachers, and specially philosophy teachers)

I kill myself; because I am already dead… my spirit is dead… I just don’t dream anymore… I just don’t care anymore… I just don’t hope anymore.

To my mom: … you are the best mom ever!!! This is in no way your fault… and you have to take care of my sisters… specially Mintaka… I love you mom, you were the closest person to me in my entire life… you just shouldn’t have had so many kids…

Sisters: I love you with all my heart. You rejected me first, and throughout my life the most. Not always intentionally I suppose. 

Mintaka: my baby sis… you… I love you in a way, that is beyond my understanding, I know you are going to be so great… have fun, be happy, don’t let anyone tell you who you are or who to be… stay free… and do all the things you want  as long as they don’t hurt anyone… remember, magic does exist…

Dad…you bought a car… and you daughters didn’t have a bed to sleep… I don’t hate you… I pity you… I envy you…. and admire you… you just shouldn’t have had so many kids…

Finally and as a formality be nice and cremate my body… if I end up in a coma, kill me… and try to get this letter published somewhere ok?

Heating socks

It’s nine in the evening listening to Britney and heating my socks on the lamp (It’s so cold!!!). This is not turning out right, Every day I think about it that it fascinates me to see boys with their young bodies all bruised, pants off, crying in the backyard with their underwear up to their shoulders. Like if there wasn't anything else to me...  I read  about breaking the routine and I am craving.

(22 days late)