I don't know how to play

 I suck a football or any other pseudo sport. I sucked at magic, at D&D… I was the worst video game player in history. I was basically the boy who just doesn’t know how to have fun. I’ve been in an endless… and rather fruitless, search for people who have with me common interests… hoping there would be kids that would enjoy, rather adult hobbies… and when I do like kids’ stuff… there just isn’t anyone around to share… My friends only liked to get wet riding a bike… I do not know how to ride one. My friends loved going to the pool… but would never take my shirt off and wait in a bench nearby. My friends loved Pokémon... I never got my own Gameboy. My friends would rather read Spiderman than superman, daredevil than batman… My friends enjoy playing video games in silence… while I desperately wanted to talk.

… my activities are just there for me to enjoy alone… collecting action figures, reading comics, watching anime series, movies, listening to music… designing websites, drawing crappy anime… writing my book. I want to learn how to play… I need to learn to not think I’m wasting my time with people who are not interested in what I am interested in… I need to stop thinking about adulthood and childhood. Somehow I have become this creature that feels 1000 years old… that feels that has lived all and learned it all. 

I should be enjoying the here and the now… I shouldn’t be thinking of the future and my career and my spiritual growth… especially because when I think of spiritual growth, I think of a boy…. I see Xag as boy… not a grown man. Maybe I just go backwards maybe just trying to acquire that childhood vision of the world… 

I am in desperately needed of hugs.

(1 day late)