Smoke Cathedral

The tragedy is not that life has no meaning but that there is no meaning that is worth a life. 

-  La catedral de humo. 

Can't do it anymore; we have no strength, no health, no money

"We can't do it anymore; we have no strength, no health, no money. There was no other way out. Forgive us."

Igor & Lucile Bouryanime. Married couple that committed suicide via hanging in Paris on June 22 of 1970.  

via Les dossiers noirs du suicide by Denis Langlois

May my death be fruitful. And force the meditation. So that those who can, learn the lesson.

From the suicide letter of Miguel Ángel Quevedo. Cuban Editor, Shot himself while living in exile  in Venezuela. 

We were all guilty. Everyone. By action or omission. Old and young. Rich and poor. Black and white. Honored and thieves. Virtuous and sinners. Of course, we still had to learn the incredible and bitter lesson: that the most "virtuous" and the most "honored" were the poor.

I die disgusted. Alone. Outlaw. Exiled. And betrayed and abandoned by friends to whom I generously gave my moral and financial support in very difficult days. [...] All dehumanized and cold abandoned me in "the fall".

May my death be fruitful. And force the meditation. So that those who can, learn the lesson. [...]And for the people to reconsider and repudiate those spokesmen of hatred, whose fruits we have seen could not be more bitter.

We were a people blinded by hate. And we were all victims of that blindness. Our sins weighed more than our virtues. We forgot Nuñez de Arce when he said:

"When people forget their virtues, it's a tyrant in its own vices."

A feeling

A Feeling

I have the feeling that what I have yet to live is very little.

This head of mine looks like a crucible

Purifies and consumes.

But without a complaint, without a trace of horror,

To finish me, I want on an afternoon without clouds,

Under the limpid sun

A white viper, born from under a great jasmine,

To sweetly, sweetly,  sting my heart.

Around one o'clock in the morning on Tuesday, October 25, 1938, at 46, Alfonsina Storni left the hotel room where she was staying in Mar del Plata and went to the sea ...

The next morning two workers found, on the beach, the lifeless body of the poet who had foreseen that she would live little.

I’m sorry

I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, really I just didn’t know.... please forgive all the horrible things I made u feel, please forgive all the awful words I used but most of all please forgive all the things I never did....

I’m no writer, who I am kidding? It’s been 2 weeks with nothing to do but write and I haven’t written a word. I’m no artist, I have been dead inside longer than I can remember...

I feel lonely, and frustrated and hopeless... I feel miserable. And I know misery we spend quite a long time writing an essay about it with my sisters. I’m sorry my sisters, I’ve let you down in so many ways, the same to my father and not to mention my mother’s.... boy I screwed up big time.... I’m so sorry, I couldn’t keep my grades up, and I’m sorry I wasn't able to be the person you needed me to be.

I’m sorry I failed my teachers, I’m sorry I disappointed all my... acquaintances....

I’m sorry god, yes you my dear god, whom I haven’t spoken to since those long rides in my school bus, I’m sorry I never truly learned all u told me... I’m sorry my guardian angel, I worn out your energies to help me.

most of all, I’m sorry my friends, you know who you are even if u don’t who I am, I failed in this life, I just couldn’t make it... I love u with all my soul, with all my being, I hope u find a way forgive me... and I know well meet again in the end and beginning of all times... I may just be a little late.

Finally I feel sorry for myself, yes I’m sorry I couldn’t be the person I dreamt up to be. I’m sorry I let opportunities pass, I’m sorry I let valuable people go, I’m sorry I can’t travel in time and change the past, I’m sorry, o so sorry.... I’m sorry, my dear book, Nikolas, Joan, Eli and Alnitak...I’m sorry I may never finish your story... I’m sorry you’re doomed in oblivion because of my lack of talent, imagination and will...

Please dear reader I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I made you read this, I’m sorry I profaned language in devious and empty words, the only consolation I can give you is... yes teenagers tend to be very dramatic.

(8 days late)

During our school's cultural week, we had tons and tons of free time. Sounds like a lot of fun, but it really was disappointing. Just having that kind of time without having to work or study, really opened my eyes. It was so boring!!! I guess I just realized how stupid and empty they are. They just stressed me, their stupid routines, their cake face, their lack of maturity.

I realized that life is more than school and stupid jokes. Now I see, they have absolutely no compassion or interest for anything else. They are sadist; they love blood and see other people injured. And if that’s not enough then they'll make it more bloody and cruel up to a maximum point. To hear them talk like that gave me nausea. Then the same comments come again, and again, and again, and again.

How can people forget about pain? About feelings? Is just not right. Today we were on recess and I was reading when they kicked me in the eye with a ball. It really hurt, but no one noticed what had happened, so I don’t know why I needed to get attention or somebody to get worried, so I covered my eye like if blood had come out and ran. When I got to the bathroom I saw myself in the mirror, there I was, and a looser that no one cared about. I even got some red paint form my locker and tried to make like if blood had really come out. Then I realized how pathetic it was and washed it off. I came two of them asked how I was and what had happened. They didn’t laugh, but they didn’t cared either. Just like "if he dies, Ok, if he doesn’t, its Ok I guess”.

But the truth is I can't stand people who laughs about an afghan woman who gets killed on a football stadium like my "friends" do. Sorry. 

1 day late