Today I told someone "I hate happy people"

Today I told someone "I hate happy people" 

And when I heard me say it I realized all I ever dreamt to be had died. I must accept. I am not capable of happiness… the same way I’m no more capable of building a rocket and going to the moon over the weekend, or finishing a book  started over 4 years ago…

I’m sick of seeing kids with smile, Emo kisses, or anyone who wear their hair blonde!! I just wish someone would just come here and kill me but of course, no one does, despite that people are murdered, raped massacred or just claimed missing on a daily basis in this rotten place. I have no clue, how over 4 years, people just stood by and managed to survive this waste of internet space, visual contamination, wordily vomit, syntaxical shit… 

I can’t take myself out the equation due cowardness… I can’t change myself, due incompetence, I can’t stop hurting myself due addiction… What is left, but to crumble into madness…? I need to make that jump… I need to let go… let coherence go… 

Feels easy for me I could start right now…but god, I would be so embarrassed with my sisters boyfriends being here…do people avoid becoming insane due embarrassment?  I feel I’m going to puke… I asked someone to own me…… I basically gave myself away as some ones slave, in that meaningless quest for some meaning… I don’t own myself… so let’s just see if someone else does… but the fucking bastard lives more than a thousand miles away.. Shit, my mom is going to read this… or someone she knows and they’ll tell them, and she will come here judgmental as always and demand explanations… when there are none.

I am fucked up.

I am human trash

I don’t love anyone… but my sisters cat… who in return  hates me… and I hated that animal too… but now it’s the only thing, I can say I love…

I’m tempted to repeat the teen cliché "no one understands me" but fuck it… I’m too old to use it… god I feel too old to use it… This is what I’ve been hiding, that I really don’t care for myself… or anyone else for that matter… I hate myself, and therefore I hate everything and everyone, I right now wouldn’t mind finding the worlds reset button and push it even n if it meant game over to everyone in it…

What kind of lame metaphor is that one…?

Now I think about it, all it’s a fucking lame metaphor… this diary, this huge lie, I’ve been telling myself that I can be better... That I am better, when that’s not true… I am selfish, and apathetic… I just can’t act it, because I would be too embarrassed… 

When you find yourself locked onto an unpleasant train of thought, heading for the places in your past where the screaming is unbearable, remember there’s always madness. Madness is the emergency exit.

(1 day late)

Today I’ve realized the word "friend" turns me.

Today I’ve realized the word "friend" turns me.

I’m tired of talking about me, I’m tired of writing, I’m tired of reflecting, of contemplating, of analyzing, of pondering, of distinguishing, and most of all, I’m tired of explaining; I don’t want to explain anything to anyone anymore. I can’t stand one more justification on any subject. It seems like my whole existence is focused on justifying myself in every single aspect. Every meaningless conversation becomes an act of validation of why I do or not do something, why I am or I am not something, why I like or don’t like something. But if I take those actions away then there is just nothing left to talk about… we are all just doing monologues about us and our lives.

I have a really long homework for Tuesday…. Really long tedious work to do… and yet I went out shopping and to watch a movie 

Sighs*

I have no doubt I failed, I failed at everything you can fail at life. God… I think I’ve failed in death too, or otherwise I would be dead already.

Bang bang!

 "depressed . . . without phone . . . money for rent . . . money for child support . . . money for debts . . . money!!! . . . I am haunted by the vivid memories of killings & corpses & anger & pain . . . of starving or wounded children, of trigger-happy madmen, often police, of killer executioners . . ."  - Kevin Carter 

I’ve always wanted to be a victim of something.

I’ve also found myself lying again. This girl asked me if I had ever got my heart broken. I said yes without thinking... I guess I just assumed with all the pain I feel inside, some of it had to be due a broken heart... but now I realize that I lied, I never had my heart broken... there has never been anyone who could or would.

I’ve always wanted to be a victim of something.

(26 days late)

I missed you today

I missed you today, I missed you, yes you who you are.... I missed you so much; I had to contain my tears several times. I was empty without you; I was lost without you...

No music, no song was good enough to take you of my mind... I had lie again because of you, because the emptiness is so big it was unbearable... I had to lie, to make up a story so I could hide the immense shame, that you are not here by my side, that I haven’t found you.

I made you up... and to make it worse I killed you to explain your absence…

(11 days late)

Scared

Bringing to life my book was never easy, I can’t say it just happened and it flowed naturally. I had to work on it so hard I lost hope More than once I’ve thought on giving up on the myth, and writing something else, or even not write at all, a million times I think about the story and I just hate it, or think it should be completely different. I wanted to create a myth, a myth that would explain the deep nature of human kind.

The myth is about, fear, misery, sadness… and love. I never expected it to be a fun story I never expected it to be simple, it’s about a girl is about Nikolas, it’s about her learning process, it about her journey to find what can she ultimately be. It’s about love, it’s about friendship, it’s about trust, and it’s about hope.

I’m scared; I’m really scared, that my dreams may never come true, I’m afraid the story will never be told. I don’t know what I am doing, I don’t know if I want a book, or a movie or whatever it is.

I’m so scared I may never even finish it.

(22 days late)

There should be a name for the feeling you get when reading harry potter.

There should be a name for the feeling you get when reading harry potter. 

I don’t know if it only happens to me, but it kind of produces something inside me. Makes me think of something better and magical… and magical as in real magic. It just makes me wonder and feel that any day your life could drastically change and be great. 

It’s been almost three longish years since I first read harry potter, it’s cool reading it again since I don’t remember much of the things. I can’t stop wishing I could be there in the story somewhere somehow, I don’t want to change the story because is great as it is. Just want to add me to it.

 This reminds me of saying:

 "What do you prefer, to make sense or to be happy?"

What do I want to be happy? I can’t even... no, I don’t know, this is frustrating, but I guess that a big part of it is to get know who I am. How lame that came out… What do I chose in relation of who I am and who I want to be. 

I feel sad... Maybe is beyond sadness… just is compassion for myself... I feel so cold, I feel trapped. I need to get free. Don’t have a clue of how, but I need to.

(3 days late)

So Typically Me

I met someone online, and he sure has shown me the looser I am.

To make things worse, my mom is planning a trip to a town in the country, hot weather. I hate going to places like that I feel so pathetic. 

I really need friends, someone near me, my age, that fully understands me, and know how to treat me. Someone who I could go swim in the ocean totally clothed, gee that relaxes me and excites me, I don’t know if that’s wrong but I’ve hide it all my life. People wouldn’t understand how cool the wet clothes feel... 

Why do I like it? Well I’ve been always very attracted to getting wet, in my old school there was a river where my math teacher used to take us to make some yoga, I always wished to fall in to the river, I even once accepted a dare and poured over me a bucket filled with river water.  But the first time I really did it because I liked it was a rainy day and I felt really sad and depressed, I did not want to go to class, so I dreamed awake that I would stay outside in the rain and get totally soaked, how it would look and feel stayed in my mind... a kind of poetic image stayed in my mind and hooked me. When I got home I couldn’t resist anymore and decided to take a bath, I wanted to go in with my school uniform but I was kind of scared so I decided to just do it in my briefs and a white shirt... then I came out and looked myself in to the mirror, I sure was surprised, I saw a new exciting figure of me, that felt cool, looked so cool, so forbidden, so out of place : P Since that moment I’ve been into wet clothes, I tried with the clothes I can, being careful about not ruining my clothes. I even remember, that it was like the second time I was going to try it, that one of my sisters came in to the bathroom while I was in the shower (I still used only my briefs and a shirt), she apologized but with a funny expression told me, - Santiago... why are you taking a shower with your underwear? - I was terrified so my reacted surprised too, and said that I haven’t noticed it, she must have known that I was in to something weird but never touched the subject again.

I’ve never gone swimming fully clothed, I don’t even have a tub to know how it will feel to be underwater with clothes, those things I wish to experiment with my friends, if I ever find them.

I guess that this is just one of my crazy freaky traits; there are also wedgies and slime. Wedgies are painful and fun, it’s great to get some... I’ve received wedgies and Melvin very few times, but at least I’ve given a vicious wedgie... poor kid, I tortured hem, I can’t stop feeling guilty and proud at the same time. I really wish to find a wedgie buddy, I want to receive all kind of wedgies there are, and sometimes I give myself wedgies… 

I once dreamed I was playing a game and since then I’ve been obsessed. I have come to name it “card wars". Its a little hard core I guess, to be honest is a fetishist game. Let me explain it... is between guys, the only thing you need is a pack of cards and a rotten mind... I can’t explain in English how the cards are played, but the important part is when someone wins the round, that one who wins gets the right to do whatever he wants to the other person, sliming and Pieing are the most popular, getting messy your opponent is the objective, like throw over him a bottle of milk, or pouring spaghetti sauce in his underwear.... depends on you, you can also have the right to destroy his clothes, cut his pants or rip his shirt, me personally would get his underwear off with his pants on!!! An atomic Melvin/wedgie!!!! mmm.... if played by couples, the guys play the cards, the one who wins tells the girlfriend of the loser what to do to him.... gee this one gets me horny, just imagining my girlfriend baking a cake in my underwear makes me hard!!! If I could play this game I sure would cheat to loose ;)

Ok, I'm weird, if spaghetti in my briefs while hanging by them on a perch turns me on.  I’m not exactly normal sexually. 

Well, writing this tells me something, the girl or boy for me will accept it, I know that... I hope.

(1 day late)

Oh God it’s true, so true, I'm not loved...

Oh God it’s true, so true, I'm not loved.... by no one, and it surprises me, that I haven’t find out until today, all the love I received comes with hurt. I confused love with pain, he loves me, ergo, he hurts me."friends are gods way to apologize for your family" but look at my "friends" they hurt me too, in the worst way... in continuum and routinary way, every day in the year, they hurt me, during my whole life it’s been like that... but for me it was normal, how can pain become normal?.... how do I let it continue?. I’m so sorry I’m not the brother my sisters want. And I’m so sorry about not being the son my parents want...Gee, it’s sad, now I’m sacred, cuz I think I love in the same way, I hurt people I love, it’s insane!!!! But I do, I know it. No matter how I don’t want to believe it, it’s true, I know that I’ll fool myself in any moment, and find an excuse for this.... I don’t even love myself...

To you, I need you near me, I need you so much, please come for me and rescue me and take me out of here...Don’t leave me alone, I’m satin for you, in fact I’m always waiting. Please let me know you are real. Let me know you will always be here and never leave. I'll die if you don’t come to me soon... please.

All there is

How can an entity that “is all there is” create something that it’s not it

If god is only love then how can there be hate, god is everything, then it cannot exist something that is not god or love. Anyway fear and evil exist, don’t they? 

Maybe fear and hate are just a hallucination to know who we are. But how can you create something it’s not you if you are all there is. You must have sadness to know happiness, you must know hate to have love. There can’t be light with no darkness, can it? 

God is everything that means that if god is all there is, how come that there is something wrong and something right? That doesn’t exists, wrong and right don’t exist as result that there is only one whole everything. So good and evil don’t exist either. And if I am all there is, couldn’t it be possible to make an entirely new illusion that is exactly what I’m not? After all I’m god, I can create anything, cuz I’m the cause of everything there is and it can be. So god is all LOVE and the rest and opposite are just a whole hallucination to so god and I could know who we really are

(4 days late)

You love it.... you kill it...

You love it.... you kill it...

I am looking forward to my 17th birthday... I thought for a long time that I was going to die before my 15th birthday, I never thought of living anymore. Frustrated by it I ingenuously tried to believe that maybe I could get magical powers on my 16th birthday as it happens on Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Of course it didn't happen, since then I've been trying to feel complete, but the lack of self-esteem hasn’t helped much.

I am human and I need to be loved just as anyone else does. I thought that after reading the book everything was going to be right, but it’s not, I'm confused, I tired of thinking I just don’t want to stop thinking and to stop feeling.

Socrates was right. You only love yourself

(4 days late)

I know somehow that our relationship is not ok

I know somehow that our relationship is not ok, in some way it’s not.

I simply don’t trust you, I don’t. Even although we have lived all my life together and we have many things in common, I can’t feel comfortable with you. This has become sick, because it’s come to point where I can’t be myself with you, but I need to be a totally opposite person. it’s just how it happens, I’m totally forced by some force to be someone I’m not when I’m with you, or with my sisters, that's why I am rude, that's why I'm selfish. 

In school I'm a totally different person, there in school, I'm the nice, inoffensive, submissive, giving one, but when I'm home I just get to be totally different and it’s wrong, it should be all upside down, here I should be the cute, nice one. And in school the nasty one. Because it hasn’t worked in any side

Tonight when you asked why you loved me, I said what I think it’s true "you don’t know me". You don’t really know me, not even half of me, part because I don’t let you, part because you don’t want to. It’s so unbelievable, that seeing our faces for such a long time, every day of my life, we still are so distant each other.

The things you say and do prove it, how can you even think I close up in my room to see porn, how can’t you notice when I’m lying, how can you ever think  that I would become ameinian(er) in a mixed school, and become a straight  man in an all-male school?. How could you let me go live with my dad? You were scared, and all your fucking family (and I know it’s true, because I heard you), that I might become ameinian; I hate you for it… like if it was something bad.

I was 14, obviously getting interested in girls and you took them away. I could have been such a great guy, and not the thing I’m right now, an almost bisexual being, trying to find its own identity. I grew in an all-girl family, how you imagined I was going to act? I was the ideal guy, that one you describe in movies, but you give me up to my dad (LOOK at the kind of man he is!!!) and you put me in an all-boys  school, with all the nasty words, and uninvolved thoughts, you screwed me up.

How could I trust you, if you kept passing judgment on me, and it wasn’t even like if you knew I was ameinian, you only thought I could become one.... how could I trust you, how could I show you who I really am?

I have absolutely no confidence with you, not at all... I don’t have the kind of confidence to tell you what I think or feel, for some reason I’m ashamed if you see me doing anything spiritual, I don’t want you to take witchcraft from me, that’s why tried to hide it from you. No I can’t go and buy my underwear with you, I don’t feel comfortable talking about it with you, I don’t want to talk anything about sex with you, don’t want to discuss it with you, don’t want to see it with you.

I love you, as a child loves his mother. but I don’t want to love you that way, I also want to love you as a friend, I want you to care for me, I don’t want you to over protect me. I want you to give me some space and stop bothering by such little and insignificant things like my hair and my nails. I want you to really teach me something in life. I want you to stop living for us and start living for yourself; I want you to be clean at stuff... I want you to be open about me and what I can become.

I grew up, I'm not your kid anymore, it’s enough, there's no more baby Jesus, there’s no more birthday parties or reunions, there is not more constant solving problems. it’s not that I hate your family just because, as I told you before, I heard them, I have experimented it, the "only girls do that" judgment, they tried to make my cousins to make me act like them and show me porn.... I know what Sylvia tells his son... “you could end up like Xag..." again like it’s a bad thing.

and after all, now that I’m the disgusting male you wanted me to be, you and my sisters dare to criticize me… of how I speak, how I behave... you wanted me to be a boy, didn’t you? Here I am... a guy a totally different person from what I really am....

(6 days late)

In the middle of my frustrated fears

In the middle of my frustrated fears

I know this isn't the way I’d like my diary to start but that’s it, I feel awful, my soul is sick and I can’t think straight. I feel like going to vomit again. 

I really screwed it up today, Camilla (previous school acquaintance) called today as she needed to sell some tickets for a party, I was so confused I couldn’t tell her I didn’t want to go so she told me she'd come here to give me the ticket 6$ each. the thing is I feel like a looser, got no style, got acne, have no friends, my room is a mess n' don’t even like my hair.

I couldn’t deal showing up as a looser, so I told the building doorman to tell Camilla that no one was home. of course I thought it was going to be very rude of me so called her back to tell her I wouldn’t go to the party so she wouldn’t bother coming over my house, the thing was that she insisted in coming, so she came over and the watchman told her there was nobody as requested. 

So she called by cellphone here and my sister Alnitak picked up the phone a furious Camilla shouted mad and told her she was a little bitch. I imagined from time to time how it would be when I'd meet my classmates from Tilatá again but I always saw me in a rather better position that O am now. I suffered a lot at Tilatá and in part was because of Camilla, I hate myself and what I’ve become, I hate my lack of courage… my shyness.

I now wish that this day has never begun I want to wake up tomorrow and be Monday morning again so I can do it all over again. Right.

(84 days late)

I lost myself

I lost myself, and I don't know who I am again, how is it possible so recently I was so sure of being Xag...

 I doubt it now, not completely, but it is strange... I don’t know what it is. What is it I'm supposed to be? What I should do? Something simply got lost.

As usual Obsidian is angry with me, and keeps calling me "faggot" (which no longer bothers me as much, or so I think) A horrible feeling came back, I remember when I wasn’t Tilatá. I woke up feeling like wanting to die and just fuck everything to hell. It's a horrible feeling is just pure and absolute sadness and fatigue combined into a single feeling of ending the world, no one can have a good day after waking up that way. Awaking with a thought like "Please god help me!" Is pretty strange, I had not talked to Him in a while, as if I had needed for a very long time. I feel so helpless and just know that something is missing... just not sure what…

(6 days late)

I needed to mourn and I'm happy to do it now

I needed to mourn and I'm happy to do it now. I just feel I could do so much if I had him next to me, my best friend. I feel it could all be so easy and so simple, I could improve many things. I need you...

I’ve been talking to Xag, why the hell? I keep treating him... me… as another person, people say you should always be your best friend, but I think I'm separating the Xag side of me to become my best friend ... I want to be him, but he knows too much ... I asked him to cry with me, crying for being alone with not best friend, but he only responded with phrases like "you know you'll have it.”.

Why is he separating from me? He must have a weakness ... I see his eyes are watery, he hurts for me, cries for me....

Ok this is crazy talk... I see a person sit there and mourn and I desperately want to be him. I just want that. I hate my life ... I’d better go to sleep…

(4 days late)

But I'm not broken, in my dream I win

In here I'm nothing, a Cosmic Castaway

But I'm not broken, in my dream I win

And I take over, coz I'm no loser

And I'm in and you're not, bad dreams don't stop

But I'm all screwed up, a Cosmic Castaway,

And I want but have not

Bad dreams, lust thoughts

In here with no pain, you hurt me again

And I want but have none

I should beat the alien

But here I'm no one, a Cosmic Castaway

I miss my friends, if they ever were, while I walk in the street or the mall whenever I see a couple or group of friends having fun... I hurt so badly.  I think  that was my last chance to get friends, it was so stupid I began my friendship with them with a lie, I think maybe Minos, Rhadamanthys and I could have been the best of friends and maybe they were the only ones with whom I could have been capable of friendship... 

Rhadamanthys I do not see often, he has not talked to me in more than a year, Minos, has kept talking to me, but I dislike him, as much as I can dislike someone. Sometimes I think it would be interesting to change schools to get out of this mess that has been my life, I accept that this school has given me so much... beauty and ugliness, and I appreciate it, but it is not possible to fix things there.

I am really scared. Some days ago how super confident I was that I was prepared to flee home to live some kind of adventure. But I couldn’t, it disappoints me, I disappoint myself again and again... I keep taking things from myself. Like if I somehow was cursed to make myself feel bad...

What is frustrating and pathetic is me dreaming to escape and do something exciting, to find something new to discover, some sort of mystery and save the world.

If anything I am victim of my own boredom, I yearn so much to do something exciting with my life, but when I look at it... I only find disappointment.

I hate part of who I am, but I am not sure which part I hate. 

That I tell lies? My disgusting physical body? My twisted mind?

Put it simply something is missing, not sure what but it’s a catalyst, a motivator.

There is nothing now that moves me to be better or to endure the life I got. I feel so many things right now, none of them good... so I’ll continue to ramble and get thoughts out of me head as they pop in...

I seem to be unable to get rid of Xag... rounding my head, he/I even visited me last night ... I was one of those trances between being asleep and awake, and suddenly appeared a perfect scene, everything was completely white and there was nothing else, I'm on the side of the room and he/I was standing just in front of me wearing only a single pair white shorts that went down to his knees, He/I told me so many things all so encouraging and all so good to hear, so perfect ... Xag ...

- "There is nothing to change! - I said - "you already are me, just let me out" -

Unfortunately I/he omitted the details as to how, but if I do I said that means to leave this life. All this must sound crazy, and part of me hopes it is. It’s always easier to commit suicide if you are insane right?

Xag is now my only inspiration, I keep thinking on being him, to experience this wonderful world that awaits me. I keep thinking about my life and how would be like as Xag and everything, including plot details connecting history milestones, moments and characters so that it all make sense.

My best friend was there too, just being perfect, but also somewhat out of place, but there nevertheless, he told me at some point (it was a quite lengthy conversation) we were going to find each other for sure, but if it was in this life or the other, it depended on many things.

What I want most in the world is a best friend, someone to accept me as I am, and someone I understand that shares my taste in things... (I think this has already been written before)

I only remember him standing by my bed and holding my hand before I finally fell asleep. It was really beautiful. True, it was a rare night the sheets became a mess and the bedpost broke as by some freak force of nature. My mom claims I woke up in the middle of the night, sleepwalking and told her I had found the key to DC comics. I have no memories of this, but she swears that I did. 

Speaking of which, a lot of things happened at New Horizons (sounds like mental health institute or rehab center) and some have been rather disturbing, the one freaking me out most is that there is a  boy around 11 years old taking the same classes as me and knows so much more than me! It makes me feel really bad ... then I had to have a little talk with the idiot who runs the center, he talked to me about taking some lame macromedia courses and take the test so I can build a CIW track, and although for some reason that sounds smarter than in the way he actually said it, the truth is that studying anything to do with computers seems like a slow path towards suicide, I am more of a philosopher, a humanitarian and an artist, not an engineer, much less a merchant, I see web design from an artistic viewpoint, I see it as a means of expression rather than as means of making money. 

I do not want to commit to something so serious, the guy is asking for loyalty and wants to send me to the States... it bothers me that this man boasts and claims he is very picky about the people around him, and how he just lets smart people at his side, and the truth I'm not sure to be an intelligent person at all if it means being around him. Also, what if I decide to be a lawyer or be in creative advertising? Or maybe an actor (todays horoscope claims that job will suit me like a glove)? Maybe a singer or an artist, or a dreamer (now that should be a career) 

My mom keeps saying I'm very antisocial, not telling me... just saying it out loud, to the walls... like stating a known fact, as if it was raining and trying to make out of it a topic of conversation. Maybe it is true, but what I can't get out of my head is what she said about me not being able of loving anyone or not accepting I could be loved by someone. Of course I'm afraid that's true, I know I do not have a very high self-esteem, but I'm sure I can love... not just love, but love in a way never seen before. Xag love. I love Xag; I know that... but am not Xag? So why the lack of self-esteem?

(5 days late)

Putting it simple

Putting it simple; the world has disappointed me. I've disappointed myself, I hate what I think, what I am, my hands hurt sometimes ... I keep thinking in the life of Xag, AKA, my death, I need Xag, I need him like I’ve never needed anyone else, but cannot find him, I'm sure he also needs me, how pathetic, how many people get up every morning thinking on how your life will be when they finally die... I find comfort in imagining friends I WILL have then, a life I WILL live afterwards... but not something I already have.

... My head is full of horrible thoughts, of humiliation, of myself, of death... I can’t stop thinking about death, especially in the death of my father, I don’t mean to be mean, but if it really happened I wonder if it would cost me too much effort to cry.

I want my life to be special! I want to be a special person! Not to be this horrible thing that I am now ... I hope something works out.

I hate they cut my vacations two weeks short, my dad insists that I should study computers in the evenings, Makes me so mad!!

This show that is my life is sad and pathetic; if there’s a scriptwriter I think he should kill someone or have me change schools again. But apparently neither will happen...

Is it possible to find a guide to happiness? Will I ever have the courage to escape and do something interesting?  Find my best friend? Can I stop lying? Or will I be ameinian? actually I have the answer to the last question, is that I am not ameinian.... according to some online test I'm only 27% ameinian (a ameinian person has on average 39%), and that’s kind of a disappointment .... It does not lift the little self-esteem I got one bit...

I do not want to be this horrible thing I am now, come on, how many people like pulling their underwear up... my hands hurt sometimes ... that's pathetic, I really want to get it out of my head it but I do not know how. I decided to leave Obsidian in peace and not bully him anymore... then hope it works.... Will I stop liking the humiliation? ... Though actually it should be called W.S.CR.K.M.S.W.P.UP. (Wedgies, Swirlies, Clothes Ripping, Kegging, Melvins, Slime, Water, Pieing and Underwear Pouring) I promise myself not to do any of these to anyone who does not like it.

Now that I hate part of whom I am; what other parts do I hate? I hate that I tell lies, that my physical body is disgusting, and that I have a twisted mind who enjoys the humiliation of other underage boys? Could I get that out my head if I delete all those humiliating things I have on my PC?

I know the answer to most if not all of these... I'll have to learn to "Stop waiting for the solutions in other people, the only solution is you. If you are not, then there is no solution"

(7 days late)

Today I skipped school; I had to stay with my sister, who is a little bit sick,

Yesterday we had spiritual retirement with guys from school...and it was a waste of time, we did nothing special and I spend thinking about How Ivan and Marin are so fucking immature, Aiacos for some reason spent the day criticizing me and being unsupportive , specially I was fighting with Obsidian...

That little pain in the neck, "humiliation", is driving me insane. I have tried everything to get it out of my head, but I cannot. Every time I see or touch Obsidian’s underwear, I can’t help but pulling them up, I think if someone liked to do things to me, as much as I enjoy doing things to Obsidian I may learn my lesson and stop liking it anymore. How I find that person? Maybe if I let Obsidian do away with me once and for all ... no, I always end up cowering out when I’m about to surrender to him ...

Last night I had a dream so cool and so romantic for some reason I was in Japan and somehow Í was in a presentation at a basketball court, the case being that there was mix-up or something and I ended up being the one who had to talk to the entire crowd. I had to put on a kimono and everything...bottom line, I was scared because I did not know what I had to say, but fortunately, I had an this lovely Japanese girl that whispered to me ear all I had to say: - I 'm the goddess, I'm the bottle, I'm your wish - I said aloud repeating her words. Then I went home and talked to her, it was love at first sight and so special, then we said goodbye, and I knew she was a dream, I decided  I would not let her go and just disappear, so the called to her from the balcony and asked her email address .. . Then I woke up.

It was perhaps the fastest you could fall absolutely in love with anyone, and we will probably only have that dream. Although as I woke up I had this thought in my head "fate and luck we will have us meet again" ... maybe tonight or at the least expected moment of my life.

I spent all day reading about the Justice League animated series, it looks so cool, I can’t wait watch it!

(6 days late)

As for the humiliation…

As for the humiliation matter (which I cannot stop thinking about) I Know I do not want to have this unhealthy obsession... not unhealthy to me really all it does is hurt the idiot of Obsidian, I think if perhaps I managed to get him to like to humiliate me instead I would get it finally out of my system, but I have a real fear I'll enjoy it even more. 

Then there is Aiacos, Who is now he is hanging with me and to whom I'm sure I’m just a fill in for Minos who’s back with his beloved gang. I can’t help but regret everything that happened, I should have greeted them that day, maybe if I had I would have saved our group ... sometimes I cannot help it and I cry at night.

(4 days late)

What happened to the world...

What happened to the world to become the most boring place in the universe? And is not fault of the world itself, it’s all been sculpt by humans (muggles might be a better term) ... beings completely devoid of happiness and sense of adventure. 

I find everything is very confusing and depressing ... I always wanted a life that is not perfect but happy, and for some reason I am not happy with my life as it is and it's far from perfect. All i need is just a little routine, a bearable one... that is occasionally accompanied by surprises.

The house now looks like a pigsty, my sisters do not pick up after themselves and Mintaka Is too young to understand she has to. If I wanted to change something right now, would be to just move, anywhere, it doesn't have to be a model home, just somewhere where everything is just in its place.

Who am I kidding? I know that wouldn’t be enough to make me happy, I would have to change schools again, make friends and so on. I would have to change particularly my look and hobbies, maybe dye my hair black... maybe finally buy some cool glasses. I always wanted a raincoat. 

But what if my life never changes? And if my life is still a disappointment a year from now? I'm afraid to grow up, be no one, each time I see my future I see more and more frustration... Because I can’t get what I want, be who I want.

Football, porn, drinks and sex all day long, everyday... I got stuck with the freaks, the ugly ones who would play D&D and belong to Christian groups.

All I ever wanted was friends... not boyfriends, just people to hang around with, have fun things to do with... I had them once... I lost them. Minos and Rhadamanthys.... They are before this journal, just before.

When I came to my new school after Tilatá, a place where... well, I never fit in. I came from being trouble and a concern to everyone, to being... just some other kid. From being someone to look out for, to being... someone... Anyone. 

When I arrived to this new school by the cemetery, I circled the social groups, I had to play soccer for a couple of times, and I bounced off from group to group... I found a pretty interesting one, the comic and Evangelion freaks but they told me quiite blatantly: you don’t belong here, you belong with them:.

The ugly group, were the Pokémon rejects... the poke group. I think I just did what I was told. Somehow I connected with them... they were immature... oh so immature. They were boys doing boyish things... I looked at that with envy... They had met each other their whole lives and I was the newbie.

Me being always quiet and numb, I never connected with the entire group. Just with those who saw classes with me... Minos and Rhadamanthys. The two sidekicks... they were intimate friends... they would buy Gameboys together, they would go out every weekend together... Minos would wedgie and tease Rhadamanthys all the time. I wanted that. I wanted to belong in a relationship like that... but they already had one.

So, then someone else came along... Aiacos... he just all of the sudden became my friend, the nice chubby guy everyone want to hang around. Loved by all. He decided to be my friend. He wasn’t boyish acting like the rest... he was reserved.... he just pushed me around a lot... I lied to him, I lied to him so much... just about everything, and I acted like someone else... I faked a tragic past... and distorted future... I was trouble boy to him.

Meanwhile... I still tried to fit in with Rhadamanthys and Minos. I was falling for them so much, so fast... I wanted to be their friend. I lied my way through... at some point... I asked Rhadamanthys for a shirtless pic of himself...

Then... something weird happened... they started sending my sisters some stupid letters... my sisters wrote back... it was weird... I became the mail man.

At one point I got tired of reckless boyish mess... I didn’t belong there... I never would. I stopped hanging out with them... I left with Aiacos... to find our own spot... we had our tree... we actually called it that... our tree... where we would go every recess.

Then... one day... we fought... Aiacos and I...

And I was left alone. And I couldn’t go back to Minos and Rhadamanthys... I was left to walk the halls alone... and... Then... only then... Minos and Rhadamanthys said: hey! We are your friends!! Come with us! Gosh... I still remember them when they said it that first time... in front of the copy shop... I was someone’s friend.

We had some sleepovers, we had fun...

One night, we talked about guys... I said I liked some kid... they were all. NO way! You are so straight!

Diego invited us all to this day at his club, it was amazing, and we had fun... they had fun... I was too scared to take my shirt off and join them in the pool and the sauna... so I waited alone... for them part of the day... we talked... I can’t remember what we talked about... I just know we had such an amazing time talking.... Minos was a great talker... I loved talking with them.

I never wanted sex... I just wanted a friend... a friendship... a lifelong friendship...

But, by now... Minos and Rhadamanthys group hated me... I and Aiacos were stealing them away... and I hated them... but Minos and Rhadamanthys were clear... we’re not going to leave our friends... they never did... till the very last day... they were inseparable...

However... it did not end like this... we saw classes together... we remained friends to some point...Aiacos, Minos and Rhadamanthys... and then... I messed up...

One day I came clean to them... I said... hey... I lied... about England... and I said... something about Cumming that bothered me... (I can’t remember well the conversation) it was gym class... boys in the grass in our shorts... and I told them things... truths and lies... I cried... and they... they said they understood.

I remember walking to the locker later... they fully understood me!!! I was so thankful to god!!! I was in heaven... I felt loved; I felt part of something...

And then...

One day... I wrote something in class... something about them... in my notebook... on a piece of paper... my teacher saw it, a confiscated it...

The next day... they wouldn’t speak to me...

They never did again...

My teacher said I was better off without them... I was from that moment on, always a loner... I took refuge in my books and my writing...

Then... that rejection... became hate... they pushed me every time they walk passed beside me... they would throw pieces of paper at me in class... they would yell stuff... they became mean... they hated me, they truly hated me... I think they stole my mp3 player the last day of class... and to this day I still wish I was part of them... once or twice they used sweet words to get what they wanted from me... and then they would hurt me more altogether...

One day... Aiacos came back... I showed him my journal... and we remained cordial till the very end... he is still the only guy from school I talk to... probably my only friend...

Aiacos... never told me what happened... why did they stop talking to me... what was in that piece of paper... I don’t remember... he likes to torture me... saying he will never tell me... I, once in a while, would ask him... I’ll ask him next time I see him... how did I mess up?

I caught Minos and Rhadamanthys jacking off in class... I was so... angry... I told everyone about it... I was an inquisitor... and tried to bring them down... what came next... was a series of rejects... Obsidian ... Moncada... people I shared nothing in common with... there I became a lonely bastard with a journal and books... and comics... 

This diary starts there... after this story... of one pathetic guy... who lost his friends again…

(2 days late)